I haven't been on here or PT in a loonnnngggg time as I've been trying to be healthier and happier...
FAIL! -.-
I didn't really feel fat or overweight before. My eating issues existed purely from my need of control and I needed control a lot from my depression. I've been on some depression meds since...October 6th? Maybe? It was sometime at the beginning of October. At first they screwed up my stomach so bad, it was almost impossible to eat anything at all without feeling like I was going to puke it all out. Then after my body got used to them that stopped and then I wasn't super depressed all the time so I started eating more. I have discovered that it is quite TRUE that if you eat not too much for a while it screws up your metabolism...I now weigh 135ish fully clothed according the scale at school. I wanted to cry. I weighed 123 fully clothed last year on valentines day at the emergency room. (i got a spider bite and it swelled up massively) It made me feel so fat. I haven't ever felt like a fat pig before. I knew I had gained some weight because I couldn't fit my fingers around my upper thigh anymore and my thigh gap wasn't as big, but seriously, 12 pounds!?! How is that even possible?!?! This has never happened to me before! I feel so disgusted with myself for getting like this! ='((( And now all I can see on myself is pudge and fat! and I can't even fit my fingers around my thigh just half way up! So now I feel yuck with myself and am a bit depressed because of that and feel the need for control.
But that's not even all! My best friend just moved TWO THOUSAND miles away! ='( She's the only person in the world that can truly handle me and understand what's going on in my head when I'm having a freak out. And the only friend I can confide in about some personal things. Including this issue.
And then it's also the holidays. Which suck because I hate not getting to celebrate with my dad here.
And then it's also coming close to my dad's three year deathiversary.
MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS GOING TO FREAKING EXPLODE!!!!!
I can feel myself slipping back to this horrible addiction. But at the same time I kind of want it...It will help get rid of all the weight I've gained...But that makes me have a war in my head...I know it's bad for me...but it helps me feel so much better when I can see that I've lost weight...just seeing the proof of my control...
I really don't particularly like holidays at all...minus getting to see my brother and sister. American holidays are filled with the expectation to stuff your face full of a bunch of garbage. We have like a bajillion cookies and sweets and such at my house right now... -.- I have such an addiction to sugar...and then the smell of things from my childhood, such a wonderful time. A time before having no father. A time before having some major mood problems. It's like I just can't stop myself from eating the cookies... =(((( I don't want to eat them because I'm hungry or anything... They just remind me of happier times. And then I hate myself for it. -.-
I'm starting a work out thing though. Lots of situps/crunches, squats, push-ups, etc. And as it is winter break for another week and a half maybe I can get some calories off before I get back to school and won't be able to exercise often. I don't really have anything to do during the break anyway with my best friend having moved away and then my next best friend that's a girl is visiting her dad in a different state and my best guy friend is rarely allowed to leave his house, which makes me really paranoid that he actually hates me to be honest, and then my next best guy friend is non going out with my best friend and she gets super jealous =/ I am quite friendless right now.
Sorry for the obnoxiously long, kinda whiny blog. I don't really have anyone else to vent to at the moment though. =/
Peace Out fellow bloggers! =P
