:)

This morning two people texted me saying good morning.. i didn't text either of them first. That hasn't happend in a long time. You have no idea how good it made me feel inside. this is the best ive felt since atelast november. :) it gives me hope in life. :))

What happened????

Me and this guy, who i shall call "C" on here, became friends two years ago on feb. 4...we weren't friends then but i called him the day my dad killed himself because i was so upset and he was the only person i knew of that knew what it was like to lose a parent...He kept me from fallowing my dad that night and also for about 4 months fallowing my dads death. we became best friends then we started going out the following november then i broke up with him the next month because i was having a lot of personal issues. last march we started going out again. i was finally truely happy with life since my dad's death. then in july he came back from camp and i found out he got a second girlfriend while he was there so i had to break up with him. our friendship died then...honestly it doesn't matter that we broke up. that's what happens when youre a teenager. but i couldn't stand that i no longer had my best friend. i got more and more depressed. from that but mostly other stuff adding on to that. he hates me now and i have no idea why. its not like i cheated on him...
ive needed someone that i really know outside of a computer to talk to so bad right now...every time i try to talk to someone they cant right then then never text back or they just don't answer period. i tried talking to him out of pure desperation on sunday. i wouldn't tell him who it was he was talking to but i know he knew it was me and he acted like he cared a little then the next day he got all irritated at me and said he was going to block my number...why would he do that? on sunday i practicably told him i had been thinking about killing myself...i told him i needed someone to talk to and i was desperate and that my brother was the only thing stopping me...and thats not going to be enough for me eventually....i have no one left that truly loves and cares about me except for my brother and sister and they both live far away. my brother about 4 hours and my sister about 1 and a half...
Why doesn't he care anymore...what happened to my best friend that was always there for me and promised he would be here for me always?

='(

im really starting to feel like people in my life would rather me just not be around at all...and to be honest i don't want me to be here either...i freaking hate promises! why does a promise to someone that i dislike who also really hates me though i don't know why even matter to me? ugh =(

i have discovered that i quite love avril lavignes music. She has a cool voice. :)
I got a new phone yesterday...on thursday night my blackberry fell in a cup with about an inch of water and completely died... :( i love how mine dies from that little of water but other peoples phones can fall in toilets and still live =/ any way i can't figure out how to work this  phone, i keep going to the wrong things =P it looks like this (see image below)

 

(boost mobile incognito)

its pretty cool...has a touch screen front thing thats for calling people. and when you want the touch screen locked its like a mirror. it doesn't let me save ringtones, at least i don't think i can. either that or i just havent figured out how to. but oh well i usually have my phone on vibrate anyway. EVERY time i try to type something with an N in it, i end up hitting M instead. 

the only thing i really hate about it is the internet. i can't exit out and do something else while a page is loading, it will exit out of the internet completely, and it won't let me log into my blog =( maybe it was just being a meany head yesterday and testing its boundries with me =P i shall try again today =)

any suggestions on what his/her name should be?

Today im going to hang out at antique stores with my mom. i love looking at the old things. alot of antique stuff is so pretty if it doesn't have dust on it : )

I feel like im falling away from God...i refuse to listen to any christian music..ive been listening to kind of bad stuff. well not bad. but bad compared to what i usually listen to. and I haven't been to church in like 3 weeks...i can't go. i don't know why but i can't.
I need to clean my room...its driving me insane...my friend was in here last night hanging out with me...every time she comes in here my room is out of place. she always tears paper or something up and leaves the scraps all over my floor and she pics stuff up off my desk and doesn't put it back where its supposed to be, and she leaves all her stuff in here. this week ive brought her back pack and mp3 player to her room like 6 times! -.- it drives me crazy!!!
I think ill power clean today. im in a super cleaning mood. everything feels dirty right now...
well im going to go take a shower now,
audios blog readers =)

random stuff

sooooooo right now i reeeeeaaaalllllllllllyyyy have to pee. i felt this great need to tell you this information =P i don't feel like getting up and walking ten steps to my bathroom though...im so lazy..i need to read about a hundred pages of boring book for my speech class tomorrow. =((( im really starting to wish i hadn't taken that and had just stayed in p.e. at least then i would be exercising.. im going to read it tonight..i don't think ill be able to sleep anyway with tomorrow being the bad day...i feel sorry for people i go to school with...im going to be very...sensitive to a lot tomorrow so they have a much higher chance than usual that i will explode at them... poor peoples...i hope school gets delayed tomorrow...i really don't want to take that test in my collage class...my arm feels all hurt...i feel like pulling an all nighter. i probably would be already anyway...but this way ill actually stick to staying awake so i have a better chance of finishing my homework =)
woooowww i jump around topics baddddd. =P
thats all for now =)

so so kinda day

I shall start off with the good things about today :)
-didnt have to go to school until 10 because of icy roads
-didnt have to take a test in my collage class because I have it first period of the day, so now I take it on fri
-figured out how to merge layers on photoshop
-put a dogs head on my brother and a cat on his ex in as pic =P
-finished typing everything for a poetry project
-didnt eat a ton at lunch because they didn't give us much and it what they did give us was quite gross
-got to play in snow

Bad stuff/things that made my dad not perfect:
-didnt have conditioner so my hair was staticy all day
-ate a horrible breakfast, instant maple and brown sugar oatmeal
-caf. Was FREEZING during lunch
-got some apple sauce out of the lunch line, I love apple sauce and its fairly healthy, I found a finger nail clipping in mine =/ bleeeeccccckkkkk
-ate froz yogurt when I got home. A ton of sugar and calories :(

I think that's about it for the good and bad things.
Random stuff:
There's this site, girlsense.com I love that site. Its for little kids but its a good time consumer. You design fashions and make your own little boutique thing. I'm quite good at it =P
The bruise on my arm hurts...I hit it last night. Not hard, but it still made it hurt more and it swelled up strangely..
I feel yuck and fat. Which is weird because I know I'm not fat. But I feel like I'm pudgy everywhere...strange
I feel so sleepy right now but I don't feel like sleeping. I think I shall go on girlsense and make stuff =P
Audios/goodnight blog readers =)

My Goals

*Become completely vegan~February 20th
*Learn to sew good~February 26th
*Design an awesome outfit~March 1st
*Get really good at photo-shopping pictures~March 2nd
*Easily do a back walk over~March 19th
*Get down to 110 lbs~April 11
*Make that awesome outfit-sewn only-~May 1st
*Do splits with my right leg forward~May 7th
*Run a mile with out stopping~ May 14th*Dress more like a girl. -nice shirts, skirts, etc-~1st day of summer break

I MUST accomplish these goals!!!!!!!!! =)
i might add more later