I sent him a text that said "I'm not in that weird mood anymore where things that should matter don't. I'm sick of you treating me like garbage on purpose for accidentally taking things out on you that one day, of getting told by one of my "friends" that you hate me, of trying to fix my personal problems so you don't get all bleh and for our "friendship", of NEVER doing anything right in your eyes no matter how hard I try. I'm done."
He responded "Okay go.. This was your choice not mine."
I sent back "I know."
He said "Okay.."
It's weird...I don't particularly feel too upset about it. I feel really...free? It's a really nice feeling. I no longer feel like I have to be super careful about how I feel, what I say, etc.
: ) 

I'm so sick of people. Especially one person in particular. My friend, D. Well most likely not friend now. He's been such a jerk for the past few months. I'm so sick of it. I can never do anything right in his eyes. He knows I have problems controlling my emotions and that they sometime just explode out of me, and yet he still freaks out on me when I accidentally explode at him. It was his own fault that it came out at him. I made it obvious that I wasn't in a good mood before he was bugging me. I told another friend RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and saw that he was listening that I had a sucky morning. He still chose to bother me though. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't made me furious the day before. We were in anatomy watching some video about eating disorders and he chose to tell me that if I ever became anorexic he would never talk to me again. Idiot. He should open his freaking eyes. If he actually paid attention it wouldn't be too difficult to notice that I already have anorexia-like tendencies. I asked him why and he responded because its basically killing yourself. -.- I asked him if he felt the same way about cutting. He said yes and that people that cut are stupid psycho people that just want attention. -.- He KNOWS that I cut in the past. Its never where anyone can actually see though so it is NOT for attention. AT ALL. It hurt so bad. Aren't real friends supposed to be there for you and not judge you no matter what??? I'm there for him and don't judge him for the things he does, he would dislike me so much if I did. But of course, the same rules don't apply for him. He made me so upset it actually guilted me into giving him the razors I had. He didn't care at all that I was trying to stop hurting myself though. I think it actually even made him more mad that I gave them to him to get rid of them and make sure I didn't use them anymore.

I choose not to be friends with him anymore.

I'm an idiot for staying friends this long. He's basically been mentally/emotionally abusing me all year. He's called me a shitty friend. Said he hated me. Got mad at me for things I can't control. etc. -.- He's doing it to get back at me for accidentally exploding at him. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It would have been way worse if he hadn't walked away angrily when I told him to leave me alone because I was in a horrible mood. He has even told me that he's being so horrible to me because of what I did. Ass-hole. He knows I hate myself for taking things out on him. He knows I have punished myself constantly since then. He still chooses to be a jerk to me. 

It's not fair.

We were supposedly best friends. What "friend" treats their "best friend" like that on purpose?!?!?!?! I dislike him with a passion right now. -.-

Last night I was in a really weird mood so it didn't bug me as much. Now it does though. I'm about to text him saying I'm done. I do not wish to be friends with someone like him. He doesn't act like a real friend anymore. At all. -.- 

I am done venting about him. Now I must go do my English homework.

BLEEEAAAAHHHHH!!! -.-

I haven't been on here or PT in a loonnnngggg time as I've been trying to be healthier and happier...
FAIL! -.-
I didn't really feel fat or overweight before. My eating issues existed purely from my need of control and I needed control a lot from my depression. I've been on some depression meds since...October 6th? Maybe? It was sometime at the beginning of October. At first they screwed up my stomach so bad, it was almost impossible to eat anything at all without feeling like I was going to puke it all out. Then after my body got used to them that stopped and then I wasn't super depressed all the time so I started eating more. I have discovered that it is quite TRUE that if you eat not too much for a while it screws up your metabolism...I now weigh 135ish fully clothed according the scale at school. I wanted to cry. I weighed 123 fully clothed last year on valentines day at the emergency room. (i got a spider bite and it swelled up massively) It made me feel so fat. I haven't ever felt like a fat pig before. I knew I had gained some weight because I couldn't fit my fingers around my upper thigh anymore and my thigh gap wasn't as big, but seriously, 12 pounds!?! How is that even possible?!?! This has never happened to me before! I feel so disgusted with myself for getting like this! ='((( And now all I can see on myself is pudge and fat! and I can't even fit my fingers around my thigh just half way up! So now I feel yuck with myself and am a bit depressed because of that and feel the need for control.
But that's not even all! My best friend just moved TWO THOUSAND miles away! ='( She's the only person in the world that can truly handle me and understand what's going on in my head when I'm having a freak out. And the only friend I can confide in about some personal things. Including this issue.
And then it's also the holidays. Which suck because I hate not getting to celebrate with my dad here.
And then it's also coming close to my dad's three year deathiversary.
MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS GOING TO FREAKING EXPLODE!!!!!
I can feel myself slipping back to this horrible addiction. But at the same time I kind of want it...It will help get rid of all the weight I've gained...But that makes me have a war in my head...I know it's bad for me...but it helps me feel so much better when I can see that I've lost weight...just seeing the proof of my control...
I really don't particularly like holidays at all...minus getting to see my brother and sister. American holidays are filled with the expectation to stuff your face full of a bunch of garbage. We have like a bajillion cookies and sweets and such at my house right now... -.- I have such an addiction to sugar...and then the smell of things from my childhood, such a wonderful time. A time before having no father. A time before having some major mood problems. It's like I just can't stop myself from eating the cookies... =(((( I don't want to eat them because I'm hungry or anything... They just remind me of happier times. And then I hate myself for it. -.-
I'm starting a work out thing though. Lots of situps/crunches, squats, push-ups, etc. And as it is winter break for another week and a half maybe I can get some calories off before I get back to school and won't be able to exercise often. I don't really have anything to do during the break anyway with my best friend having moved away and then my next best friend that's a girl is visiting her dad in a different state and my best guy friend is rarely allowed to leave his house, which makes me really paranoid that he actually hates me to be honest, and then my next best guy friend is non going out with my best friend and she gets super jealous =/ I am quite friendless right now.
Sorry for the obnoxiously long, kinda whiny blog. I don't really have anyone else to vent to at the moment though. =/
Peace Out fellow bloggers! =P

I haven't been on here or PT in so long...I had been doing so well, I was finally starting to get control of my life in a non harmful way...then I crashed. I always seem to fail at being happy/ doing well in life...Am I destine to be miserable forever??? I am now on anti depressants..cymbalta to be exact...They screw me up so bad. They're supposed to make me upbeat and more awake according to the doctor, but NO they make me so freaking exhausted! I am half asleep throughout the entire school day which makes it hard for me to concentrate. And then they aren't supposed to make me sick if I don't take them with food, but they do. But honestly I kind of like that...it gives me an excuse not to eat all day... My head can be so sick sometimes...
I want life to be happy again... I enjoyed it so much until I crashed. -.-

I want to be normal...I hate how I can't stop trying to get control...I wish I could eat like a normal 16 year old girl with out freaking out or having a battle in my head...but I don't want to go to tell my mom, I doubt she would even do anything...she'd probably just get mad at me...she would probably never bring me to a doctor to get help...i asked her 2ish months ago if she would bring me to the doctor when I got home so I could stop being depressed and find out why I can't sleep, etc...I've been home since july 20th i think it was...and i haven't been to the doctor, nor has she made any mention of bringing me at all...I doubt any doctor would believe me if I even ever got the courage to admit to them about my eating problems...I'm not severely underweight, I'm like borderline underweight for my height according to my bmi...if on the extremely small chance that they would believe me and i would start to get help, i don't know if i could even handle it...i don't want them to make me gain weight...i love being thinner than my friends...its like the only way i can feel like I'm winning for once...everyone is ALWAYS better than me...except for that...and now my head hurts...audios people.. =/

im a freak =P

hehehehe i haven't eaten since last month! I feel goofy. kind of like how i expect high people feel.