Dear Dad,
Why did you do this to me?!? Did you not even give a care if I and others were affected by you killing yourself?!?! You messed up my life that day so close to two years ago! You screwed up my emotions! I am depressed so often! I have the wrong emotion for whatever is happening when I'm not depressed because I'm so not used to emotions besides super sad! Being depressed constantly and needing control over my life that you ruined screwed up my eating habits! You pulling that trigger caused a downward spiral for me that I can't get out of! But you don't care at all! You've never truly cared about me! I was always your least favorite kid! Is that why it was so okay for you to kill yourself 5 minutes after I saw you in the state of mind you were in?!?!?!?
Why couldn't you have just loved me for once...I loved you...I always did...that's why I told you I did, and why I begged you not to hurt yourself...
You left me...I was barely a teenager...I needed my dad in my life...I still do...I need my dad that will chase away any guy that likes me, except for that one guy that would be perfect. I need my dad that will hold me when I'm upset or scared. I need my dad that will escort me for things...Its not my brothers job to do that! Its yours!
I wish you could see me right now...struggling to get through days. Sleeping as much as I can so I don't have to be awake. Crying my eyes out. Texting my brother because I'm so upset and I need a reminder of why I can't die.
Why are you doing this to me....
='((

you look happy today! =) -.-

Stupid teacher! you must not know me at all! im not the least bit happy today! the only reason i haven't swallowed 50 pills is because i promised C i would never kill myself! i don't even see why i bother with keeping promises to him anymore...its not like we're even the tiniest bit of friends anymore... ='( and he wouldn't care anyway...he'd probably even be happy if i were gone...
the bruise on my arm hurts freaking bad...is it normal to get red speckles on your skin where bruises are forming? i don't even think its because i was getting a bruise...my hand had the weird speckles on it too where i was hitting my arm with and it doesn't have a bruise... strange...
My mom is the stupidest person in the world. Every day with out a fail, even when im actually super happy and am smiling and all cheerful, she asks "whats wrong" or "whats the matter" or "are you mad at me", except for today...and today has been one of my most bleh days in a really long time...it makes me feel like she doesn't truly care about me at all...like the times she asks all that are just for show so i can't say she never asks me how i am..as if she cares about me until i really need her...
i feel like everyone is too busy for me lately...the only people i text anymore are the ones that i text first, which is kinda rare, and even then the conversation hardly goes anywhere...
im sick of putting my stupid act to everyone...most think im so happy and positive right now...they dont know me at all...and those are the people that im closest to....
i can't handle God right now...i feel horrible for saying that but its true...i was going to go to church last night, but i just couldn't handle it...i feel like God hates me so i can't face things that have to do with him (church, bibles, etc) like an immature little 10 year old that's mad at her friend...its so stupid...i don't even know why i can't face things...
my chemistry teacher is a freaking idiot! he "teaches" us stuff that we are never going to use in life. doesn't really teach us though. he sucks as a teacher. always gives us the answers. doesn't really care to a point if no one is paying the least bit attention to him... only cares if people start getting loud then he screams at us...
i want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever..i shall do that now.. minus the forever part. i have school tomorrow....
~complain session over~ goodnight blog readers