-.-

i am so desperate i am willing to go to the doctor. and that is saying something. but what on earth would i have my mom tell them is wrong with me when she were to make an appointment if she did? it sounds pretty weird to have a conversation go like so:
phone ppl"hello, doctors clinic, how may i help you"
my mom "yes. i need to make an appointment for -insert my name here- for sometime this week"
PP "theres an opening on so and so date. what is troubling her?"
MM "well she feels all empty and stuff"
see so stupid! grrr! im so sleepy!!!! why can't i freaking go to sleep?!?! ugh. -.-

i can't sleep again =/  i slept for about 3 hours today...grrr stupid brain not turning off so i can sleep
all done posting. good bye.

=/

im tired. i haven't slept since 10ish-10:30ish? yesterday morning...its 9:50 right now. =/ i don't even know why or how im awake...the only thing i can think of is the coffee i had yesterday night...i had like 4 coffee cup fulls of hazelnut coffee...but after i had drinken? drunk? drank? idk whatever. after i had consumed the 4 coffees i got really sleepy and out of it feeling...or maybe it was the green tea i had? i had 8 cups after the coffee...but green tea doesn't have caffeine in it...at least mine doesn't...so i don't think that could be it...
I made breakfast for the people in my house this morning... i had been trying to fall asleep around 5:40 but it just wasn't working out so i went and got a glass of tea then sat on my front step...i was going to watch the sun come up...then i guess i got distracted or something and decided to make them breakfast...i made a bunch of tiny pancakes, scrambled eggs, a platter of fruit, and coffee...then i set the table all nice. my mom really liked it... for some reason no one really ate my pancakes...idk why though...there wasn't anything wrong with them...it made me kind of sad =/ but oh well. i had 2 pancakes and some fruit..i feel stuffed to sickness now =( which i don't really understand...the pancakes were super small. a little bit smaller than the size of a spray paint can lid. oh wait i forgot i had a small piece of some coffee cake my mom made...maybe its sugaryness was too much for me? but that sounds weird too...i can handle HIGH amounts of sugar and not be phased...
i have to pee. AGAIN. i swear ive gone pee like 15 times since yesterday around 6 pm...thats when i started drinking a bunch of coffee and tea.
i think i'll take a shower after i pee...eh nevermind. ill wait until noonish.
-about to go tinkle-
and im back. although you wouldn't had even known that i had even left...oh well. already typed. not hitting backspace. or delete.
i can't wait to go to the art program. only 2 more weeks! =))) and then i will have freedom! well kind of... but not really. different freedom than i do now so its all cool.
my bedroom is bugging me...i cleaned it a few days ago because i was looking for my tweezers, which i never did find...Its not messy but its not clean either...its that in between that is just annoying because it feels like it would be too clean to say you need to clean it without sounding weird but messy enough to bug me. =/ speaking of cleaning, i need to go through my closet and start packing...nothing in my room has been packed yet. im such a procrastinator. wow i actually spelled that right on the first try =P
i have a sty on my eye. (ha that ryhmed :p) its irritating =( all bumpy on my eyelid because it can't possibly have any other person's eye to sit upon. just sitting there. being a jerk face. and being all sty-like. -.-
im going to sleep now. or try to. good night..or something like that?

EUGHHHH

im so freakishly lazy! i hate it! but i can't even stop being lazy enough to stop my lazyness for good! grrr! it can not possibly be normal for a teenage girl to be this lazy. ugh. how do i get rid of my lazyness and start being more active?

woof woof meow gulp gulp crash!!!

i feel like i don't remember most of today...stranggeee...
i lost a follower :( so sad
butttt i did find out that at least one person does read this. i love you vibeke lincke!!! :) i didn't mean to make you sad. thankyou for reading this and commenting :) and also the other random people that may read this and may exist. you are awesome too! =P
my plant is dying =( ive been watering it...its a sunburst lilly or something like that. i feel bad.. like i abandoned it and thats why its dying right now. its all wilted and depressing looking =( poor plant. and it was about to finally bloom. i got it to brighten up my room a little and make it less sad feeling. FAIL!!!
i reealllllyyyy need to finish a painting...its for my brothers birthday...which was last friday... im such a procrastinator..
new plan for my room. maybe. light gray walls? and "normal" looking? (instead of the insaneness i had planned with chalkboard paint and spraypainting walls etc) i think i will. i feel like i need normalness in my life. i will still have my cool random things but my room would look like a normal room if i were to move out.
is this normal- every time i consume pineapple it makes my mouth super sore and sometimes makes it bleed then a couple hours later my stomach starts hurting so bad and makes me reaallyyy nauseous. and not just a normal pukey feeling. its like a nasty painful pukey feeling that hurts and makes me curl up in a ball and i can't go back to sleep...and if its not normal what on earth causes this??? and how do i stop it? i love pineapples and they are vegan friendly so i can consume them and grrr its so annoying!
im bringing R iceskating on thursday for her birthday :) her birthday is next week but shes needing some fun so were celebrating this week. the ice rink is in a mall so were going to try to get random mall people to take pictures with us in the photo booth thingys =P it will be a fun day =)
hmmm i think thats it for now. rock on readers! =P nighty night =)

im having a degrassi marathon! starting from degrassi junior high!!!! i love that show. ive never seen the original episodes though. i think there might be episodes even older but im already watching these ones. so if there are ill watch them later.

isn't being vegan supposed to make you feel all awesome and healthy???? i feel like yuck from trying to be vegan! it sucks. i just want to go non vegan. but i like the almost control at the same time...and its the closest i can get to full control...so i get to feel yucky =/ hmm...is control even that good..? i control what goes in..but i feel yuck...and i can't control that..so technically am i even getting control??? ugh. stupidness

i feel empty still. but a different empty? idk how to explain it...
i hate people. seriously. i can't even go in my best friends house because her stupid mom is there. its so freakishly awkward! eugh!
bye.

i can't tell what i feel anymore...i feel kind of...idk...emotionless? All i really want to do is go to sleep for a long time. I even feel like i could.
Im simultaneously typing this up and watching harry potter and the half blood prince. i love harry potter. the books/movies are so awesome.
eh im done typing. goodbye non existent readers =P

-.^ strange????

I walked downstairs to get some water and had to go through the living room, where my mom was, to get to the kitchen...when I walked into the living room my mom tried to hide what looked like a package of girl scout cookies behind her back? Then she went into the kitchen while I was in there and kept them hidden by her side then hastily tossed them on the counter and tossed an oven mitt and spatula over it while unnecessarily moving stuff out of the way so she could do something. It is the weirdest thing I've ever seen her do...I don't even get what the point was to it. I am thoroughly confused by her sometimes...

hmmm.... =/

I feel empty...not as in stomach empty...but idk...soul? Kind of as if its not in my body... like I'm just a shell...I haven't felt this way since the monthish following my dads death...I don't know why I feel this way right now though. It feels weird...all I want to do is sleep. And I can't get enough of it...I'm just even more tired after I wake up so I go back to sleep and repeat the cycle...then have a break once in a while that lasts about 2 or 3 hours...then I go back into my sleep trance..speaking of which...I'm going to go to sleep when I'm done typing this...
Good distraction/Boredom eliminator
This place This is my account on it. You should make an account on it and be my friend. I know its for little tweens but it helps when I'm trying not to binge/ when I can't sleep.
soooo...that's it for now I guess...
Goodnight my stalkers