toe. eye. finger. teeth. leg. butt. ear. nose.

i feel soooo weird. kind of over tired...but in a way that makes me not able to sleep? im super tired but my brain wont shut down.
and im hungry. but i feel like im going to be sick.
curse you strange body!!! =P
goodnight =)

-.-

I don't like people today. Well...I don't like people most days.. =P but even more so today. Especially the people in my house. And also the animals.
Rant Begin!!!! =D -oh and sorry if it gets hard to understand...i type really fast when i get in to thought and then i tend to mess up and i don't tend to go back and fix the mistakes =P-
my mother is so freaking annoying!!!!!!!! and she has this stupid lady living with us!!! she says R is NOT her friend but she acts closer to the stupid lady than me and my best friend! my mom finally agreed to not have the gross food in our house now that her stupid exboyfriend is gone and she said that she wouldn't b3e able to go ful out vegetarian or vegan but she would at least not have red meats and junk food in the house. and theeennn she keeps buying freaking nasty fatty greasy garbage!!! before that stupid "not her friend" got here she would at least not have red meats or tons of sugar in the house. she would load ranch on her salads but atleast we had the freaking salads at dinner instead of weird tasting vegetables soacked in olive oil! and everytime the lady cooks her nasty greasy fatty food my mom says mmm mm mmmm mm and then that stupid lady is like tehehehehe -.- it drives me freaking insane!!! and then when i cook she say oh this is really good.. but i can tell she hates it! and its all because i don't cook foods fillled with grease and fat and salt and tons of chemicals! yesterday she got a huge atleast gallon sized tub of ice ccream, a big thing of squeazable caramel, tons of those packages of different varieties. well not tons but there were atleast 5, cheeze puffs, chicken nuggets, and we already had a squeezable caramel!!! AND we have like 30 cans of sodas in my house! oh and she also got a few bags of those weird candy fruit slice things that are like gummy bears kind of in texture and are covered in sugar and then also a huge bag of licorish!! oh annnddd they bought two huge boxes of pizza and a box of cheezy breadsticks. and made this weird garlic butter that they drenched their pizza with. and the both had like 6 or 7 peices of pizza and however many of the sticks and then my mom said "im FINALLY full" !@#$% grrr in makes me so sick to be in the same room as them when they eat! i just want to completely not eat at all obviously until they stop eating like this!!! i know its hard for them...but she could atleast try a little bit to eat healthier...im trying to help her...i was cooking with whole grains and lots of vegetables and not unhealthy proportions....it would help her body feel so much better if she lost 130+ pounds...she's always complaining about hurting so bad...its because her joints have whatever the pressure is from 300+ pounds of weight pushing down on them...and if she lost the weight maybe shed be able to do more things with me...we can't even go anywhere for vacation because she starts hurting in 5 minutes of motion...we can't even go to the mall with out her sitting on the venches almost the wohole time...i end up just walking around by myself or having to stand around looking weird waiting 30 minutes for her to get 5 more minutes of engery then reapeat...i hate her largeness. i feel aweful saying that but i reeaallllyy do. everyone else my age gets to do things with their parents. i can't because she's to large to be out of her huge recliner for more than 2 hours of non sleeping day and i have no dad. ugh.
now on to stupid R
apart from her nastiness of food invading my house, she keeps taking over my dog and cat! she keeps calling them her babies! they arent her freaking pets, theyre mine! and she tried to feed my dog a cheese puff yesterday! those are horible for everyone! and her stupid dog gets in fights with my dog all the time but she wont keep the stupid thing locked up! my dog was here first, this is his teretory not that nasty rats!!
and now non people
i freaking hate this stupid heat wave!!! i cant leave my house and go anywhere if there were a place to go in this tiny little not even big enough to be a town! its been like 105 ish here all summer! and thats without the heat index! we haven't had rain all year! ugh! i hate this country!
Rant Over
im feeling quite hateful right now...and my word of the day is stupid...
that felt kind of good.
i broke my eating healthier vow. why are adictions so hard to break? and how is not eating even an adiction?
strange food thing at present time- oatmeal. i have to have one bowl of it a day...its so strange. oh and i also must drink coffee. coffee doesn't really have an affect on me physically. it doesn't wake me up or make me tired. but idk..i guess i have to have the taste in my mouth?
and i freaked out the other day because my mom was using the green cup...i HAVE to use the green cup...i couldn't drink from a white one. it was so weird.
last night my friend and i were talking about how screwed up our original little group of friends are...she actually said i have an eating disorder...ive never really felt i have one. in my head i have eating issues or control issues...but i refuse to tell my self i have an actual disorder...denile maybe? idk. so that was like a punch to the face. or brain?
and then she finally admitted she has a little puking problem. ive honestly known since january? i think it was.... but when i confronted her about it she denied it. but it was in a way that made me feel even more sure. but i didn't want to push her into admitting something she wasnt ready to admit to me so i dropped it. but it was a bit obvious from my point of view...
sorry this is so long and rambley. i had a lot that needed to escape my brain =P im super tired now so nighty night =)

hehehehehe

"final destination 5"
well someone doesn't understand the meaning of FINAL. =P
i had to repost that. i saw it on a friends facebook =P

I want to eat like a normal person...I want to get over this annoyingness and stop using food as a control technique...I wish to eat healthy from now on. And vegan. That way I don't die from high cholesterol.
Today for breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon in it. And a cup of coffee with non dairy creamer and plain sugar. the coffee isn't the healthiest thing but I'm working on it. I would have used organic sugar...but we ran out yesterday =(
For lunch...I have no idea yet =( I'll find something in my vegan recipe book I put together. I found this website that has A TON of vegan recipes. =)
That's all for now. =P

strange new eating obsession?

im pretty sure obsession is spelled wrong...maybe not...it looks wrong though...hmmm
well on to my point of this post..i have this strange new tendency. strange for me at least...i already tend to not like things that are high calories for one serving. even if the only thing i eat that day. but i could handle eating a normal amout of lower cal things like vegies.  lately though i don't like things that more than 150 cal. at all. and even if it is less i tend to not take a ful serving. and then i can't stand that feeling of not being empty. even if its just water in me. it just makes me feels so ful...
is it "normal" for a persons "eating issues" as i like to say, evolve strangely like this?
p.s. im also like a vegan police for what goes in me. i can't handle real egg whites or butter etc. which i was semi ok with before. and its makeing me so grrr at people if they add non vegan things to the meals i cook that tend to be completely vegan
iny ideas or thoughts?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhh

i haven't posted in forever! sorry. my computer charger freaked out and had smoke coming from it and i was afraid to use my mom's computer to go on this incase she somehow found it in the history and read it. and then my phone screen cracked extremely bad.
i have a great urge to not eat. but i can't...we have family meals now =/
which reminds me. i finally convinced my mom to only have healthy food in the house so we would eat healthier. she really doesn't know the difference between healthy and horrible for you. she thinks just because it is okay in a serving size it means its super healthy in any portion. and she smothers her salad in ranch -barf- ranch is super gross! even if it wasn't horrible for you! and she made muffins a few days ago. it was like 200 something calories and a ton of sugar per serving and the box made 12 serving size muffins...she made 6 out of the entire box. thats like almost half a days worth of calories and more sugar than you need in a week in one stinking muffin!!! and then she keeps getting macaroni. macaroni is super awful and i told her its unhealthy and complained about us trying to eat only healthy stuff and she still got the freaking stuff! -.-
and then her annoying friend moved in with us to "help her out around the house" and the stupid lady brought a ton of garbage food with her! she was told that we were a health food only zone and she said ok to it! grrrr! she eats worse than a 8 year old boy!!!
rant over. i think.
i  think im just going to drink a ton of coffee for a day or two...it really supresses my appetite for some strange reason. but i will still get a few calories from the sugar so i wont be completly fasting witch i don't really feel comfortable doing. it makes me feel guilty.
school starts in a month for me...but that means cooler weather is coming soon so im all for school starting =P
goodnight! =)