euuuggghhhh

I freaking hate this so much!!!! I feel so bleh right now and I want to go back to the only thing that makes me feel better but I can't because I'm trying to get better and ugh!!! I hate this soooo much. Starving amd exercising and throwing up makes me feel so much better. Ugh =(

scared so bad

I'm sooooo scared right now. My mom had to go to the emergency room.... I don't want my only parent to die.... ='(((
I'm going to make this sickness in my head go away. I would never be able to handle myself if my mom were to see me in a hospital with a feeding tube stuck in me. Her being sick right now has enlightened that in my head... I'm going to work my hardest to be normal for her now...

SWEDEN!!!

i was looking at my stats that say where people are that looked at my blog and it said someone from Sweden looked at it!!! i think thats so amazing. i LOVE sweden. its the coolest country in the world. i probably only think that because im mostly swedish but i don't care.
question to any peoples that live in sweden: Is Mason a common last name there? that was my gpa's last name and he was full swedish.

I'm so completely exhausted....this is the second day i haven't been able to go to school because I'm just too tired and weak. I think I've been doing this thing where I think I go to sleep but don't really...I did that for an entire summer once. I looked horrible... I don't know whats causing this to happen again...last time it was because i was severely depressed. I haven't been too sad lately, i've actually been pretty happy so i have no idea what's happening.
I'm going to take something tonight to make me sleep. if it doesn't work i have to go to the doctor ='((( i HATE doctors...every time i go, that stupid lady tests for strep and the flu no matter what i go there for. if you don't know- for flu they stick a long q-tip up your nose and swab it, which is reeeeaaalllllyyyy horrible. and for strep they stick it down your throat to swap, which really hurts... the stupid doctor tested for strep and flu when i went there because of BACK PROBLEMS!!! seriously?!?!
ughhhh im soooo tired. but i cant shut down my mind enough to sleep.
i have an awesome idea. my computer has a built on web cam so I'm going to leave a light on and aim the computer towards me while i sleep to see what i do. i just need to fall asleep first....

I tried fasting yesterday...it was surprisingly easy...I didn't eat at all until around 9:30ish and then i only ate celery in front of my mom. i don't think celery would really count against fasting. its not like it would add any calories to my intake.

i look so yuck today. my eyes have these dark shadows from my horrible sleeping issues. woooww i jump around subjects badddd.

i have discovered something wonderful-I LOVE youtube. i already knew that but, i discovered i love it even more. theres movies on it!! which is really nice since i don't really have any good movies and theres nothing good on tv. and this way i dont get virus' from sites that have movies =) yesterday i watched 'a secret between friends' and part of 'painful secrets' i finished painful secrets today. weeeiiirrdd both have secret in the title. i just noticed that.... now im about to watch
devil's diary =) ive never heard of it before so i have no idea if its good. but i hadn't ever heard of the other two and they were really good.
Links if you want to watch them:
painful secrets-  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YhEKsA2kCI&feature=related
its about a girl who cuts.

A secret between friends- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7VmB6phCtc
its about a girl with anorexia.

Devil's Diary- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGWBUyXNx2k&feature=related
I have no idea yet so don't be mad at me if it sucks please.

euagh im so sore. my right shoulder hurts insanely bad and then also the back of my hips =(

pixiestix014 asked if my sister is older and i kinda don't feel like commenting on my own blog, thats kinda weird so i shall answer in this post: yes, she is older. shes ...8 years older...i think. i don't feel like doing the math right now... you can though if you want to. she is 23 as of September and i am 15 as of August.
And thankyou for recommending me. =) youre awesome.
 
whoooaaa my hands look soooo weird at the moment. my palms are all blotchy looking. maybe its from the angle im holding my arms while i type...
i think im done talking randomly for now...audios peoples that are reading my blog! =P

fly away

I was sitting in the car with my mother, just got a yes to staying home from school tomorrow-im having MAJOR control issues and for some reason my body like to try to show who's boss by not letting me sleep even though I'm exhausted :/- well, I looked up at the sky and saw this beautiful cloud butterfly sitting on a cloud log, eliminated by the halfish moon. The butterfly looked so free and graceful. Like it could spread her wings and take flight into the night and dance a wonderful dance. Oh how I wish to be that butterfly. How I wish to spread my wings and take flight and never return to this sad polluted world. When I finally fall asleep I shall become the butterfly and soar away. And become graceful and beautiful beyond all my imaginations. =)

grrness

How DARE he sign that letter "dad"!!!!!!! HE ISN'T MY DAD!!!! AND HE NEVER WILL BE!!! my mom says he will never try to replace my dad. signing a letter "dad" is trying to!!!!!!!! especially if MY DAD. my REAL dad hasn't even been dead for two years yet!!! ughhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to fast or not to fast.

right now i feel like fasting for a week....ive never really fasted before...unless you count this one time i ate nothing at all and barely drank any water for a little over a day because i was so depressed about something...the only reason i ended up eating was because my mom sent me to stay with my sister for a week and i think she told her to make sure i ate and my sister was staring me down like a hawk so i had to eat a burrito...
But right now i want to because i want to feel the control. and i want to feel the hunger pains. i love feeling pain on my body...if i could get away with it...i would probably have cuts all over me...but the people i hang out with are very noticing of cuts. and they are very....enforcing? of trying to get people to stop cutting. so i will have to do with hunger pains. then when im bored of fasting i will start to eat only celery and lettuce...that way i don't binge and get rid of the proof i have of my control...until my metabolism is back to normal then i might eat some in front of people that way they don't get worried.
ehhh this sounds so morbid...oh well...i doubt many people if any read my blogs anyway. theyre more of a diary to me. but one that my family wont find and read. 

10.18.10

After school I came home and within TWO hours I had devoured this:
1 brownie-kind of a big one.
2 chocolate chip cookies-about an inch & a half in diameter
2 pieces of bread with I can't believe its not butter spread on them.
Glass of chocolate almond silk
Package of peanut butter crackers- 200 calories worth alone
3 rolls with the fake butter and honey.
--------
Ewwwww. I feel so disgusted with myself right now...
I'm typing this in between spews...tmi I know...
Its strange. You'd think that since the rolls were the last thing I devoured, they would be the first to come up...they weren't...I think the brownies/silk was...what evEr it was is a chocolatey colored brown bleck. I'm starting to get chunks of rolls up now...
I need to chew things better...I should not be able to tell what I'm puking up.
I nevEr thought I would go towards puking as I hate throwing up...but lately,, I've been tickling the back of my throat with that short white tooth brush more and more frequently...in the past 20 hours, I've done it 3 times....that makes me feel disgusted with myself again...
I think I'm going to stop now...I feel so guilty...I want to shove the toothbrush down my throat again though...and again. And again. Until I puke up my organs...