too young to experiance this stuff

sooo....yesterday there was a 15 year old student with a gun at my cousin's high school in marinette Wisconsin.....he held 23 students, all sophomores i think, and teacher hostage for i don't even know how long...thankfully she wasn't one of the people being held hostage but still...its hard for me to believe stuff like that happening even though i know its true...like, i cant believe that people MY AGE had that happen to them...the guy ended up shooting himself yesterday, he died today...for me, him killing himself bothers me more than him holding people hostage...don't get me wrong, it bothers me also that he held them hostage, but to think that someone my age shot himself...even though im a bit experienced in people i know or know of killing themselves...it makes me hurt inside that someone is so sad that they take their own life...i think because i know how it feels to be that sad...its making me think...

659 days ago

There's a tall, skinnier than most people, brown haired girl wearing a gray cardigan and grayish blue skinny jean, a girl no one gives a second look to in a crowd... Just some average no body...she's sitting on one of the many colorful swings at one of the local elementary schools...all alone... Occasionally she moves her feet a little bit so the swing will move. She's super paranoid of every person that walks on the side walk or drives by... She's crying to herself...the setting would make a perfect emo picture...she's not emo though...at least she doesn't think she is. She's just...Her...
That girl is me. ME. Just sitting here, typing this out on my purple black berry curve. If 659 days ago wouldn't have happened...this wouldn't be me...
If 659 days ago hadn't happened...I would be going back and forth between helping my dad cut up a deer and helping my mom decorate the christmas tree. If 659 days ago hadn't happened, I would be begging my dad to not make me cut up the deer because I can't stand the smell of blood and because I'm a vegetarian and because it upsets me so much to see a dead deer hanging my its hind legs from the top bar of a swing set that I've used since I was like 5. If 659 days ago hadn't happened I wouldn't be this skinny...I would be normal sized, maybe even a little bit bigger. If 659 days ago wouldn't have happened I wouldn't have this week old bruise on my arm..if 659 days ago hadn't happened, I would be super excited about the holidays because it would mean that my dad might actually pay attention to me for a bit...
But none of this or any of the other things I wish would happen are ever going to!!! All because I have a fucked up asshole of a dad that had to go and blow his brains away 659 days ago! Did he not think of how him killing himself 5 minutes after I saw him in that depressed state of mind would still be affecting me 659 days later?!?!? Did he think that because his dad died when he was 7, his kids should also go on with the tradition of not growing up with their birth father????? Did he not care about me at all????
I am so fucking sick of not having a dad. Of people not knowing how to talk to me because they know my dad hated me that much. Of people staring at me when I freak out at them for making fun of suicide.
But most of all...spending another christmas with out being able to bug my dad to wake up and have fun with us putting bows on any pet that comes near us, without being able to see him drink almost an entire pot of coffee by himself. Another christmas that he didn't wear that ridiculous sing christmas tie that I got for him, to a banquet thing.
I miss him soooooo much right now and I feel like this pain will never go away...

Guilty...

i feel so guilty...ive been lying so much lately... i think my friend that lives with me is starting to catch on about how much i actually puke when im not feeling sick...yesterday there were a bunch of people at my house so i went upstairs to my bathroom to puke while everyone was busy and no one would notice...i puked, then started brushing my teeth to get rid of the taste and smell...she came up to my room while i was brushing my teeth and asked if i just threw up....i said no and that i was brushing my teeth because i had a nasty taste in my mouth...
that is just the most recent lie. theres more. im talking about this one because it really is bugging me right now...

i decided to fast today and tomorrow...ive never gone two whole days...i usually go one day then eat something really small the days after... but i will go two days. three if i can without anyone getting suspicious.

i discovered the most amazing invention ever. not really...i already knew about them and have had them before but i really liked them last night. POPSICLES! last night i had this amazing Popsicle that was pretty big and it was only 90 calories! i loved it. and even having TWO i had waaaayyyy less calories than my friend who had an ice cream thing. i don't remember what it was that she had but its size was a lot smaller than my thing and probably not nearly as good. im going to have to convince my people to keep Popsicles in my house so i can have that instead of whatever disgusting desert they have. 

so this is kinda really creepy- last night i was texting people and i kept hearing a short vibrate around the time that i got a text. then i looked around and found my old phone that's disconnected and i discovered that it was also receiving my texts. it wouldn't send any though =/ i think the ghost in my house did somehting to make it receive texts =P

thats all for now peoples reading =) i shall write again another time or day adios =)

thanksgiving

I want to puke right now...not because I ate a ton or anything...I really didn't eat much at all...but because I feel like my brother doesn't like me anymore...he used to be one of those awesome older brothers that is super close to their younger sister...we always used to sit on the couch and stay warm...now he won't let me under the blanket because "you're cold, I don't want you to make me cold" and we always used to have this war where we would make ridiculous faces at each other...now he looks at me like I'm a little kid and doing that is stupid...its so upsetting...I just want to go puke a ton...I don't know how that would make me feel better but in my head, I know it would...I miss the old him so much...he ued to be so fun...
='(

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I FREAKING CANT HANDLE HOW I NEED PERFECTION!!!
I've been freaking out at everything lately!
i tried to eat a pop tart ice cream sandwich. the ice cream in  it was fat free sugar free or something. i put like a forth of a cup between the poptarts and i freaked out on it so i wiped the ice cream into my sink and was just going to eat the pop tarts. then i saw that the pop tarts were a little wet from the ice cream and it made me so mad that i threw the pop tarts! then that made me freak out more so i had to go clean my room and make it spotless.
Today my mom asked me to fill up the dog's water container because she knocked it off the porch and dumped it out again. i filled it up in the bath tub and noticed there was a leak on part of it because the dog chewed on it, but it wouldn't matter once i put it in its holder. i made it about 6 steps to the closed door then i couldn't tilt it right to keep water from leaking every where so i set it on the floor and it completely busted and leaked all over the hall way. i tried mopping up all the water but the stupid mop wouldn't soak up the water so i had to use bath towels. then i threw the water holder out the door so she would have something to chew on and slammed the door and the blinds hanging on it fell off. then i lost it even more and left and came up to my room and started hitting myself...i hate how i loose control and do that to myself...i don't to...it hurts because i hit it so hard...but i cant stop myself...any one with a self injury problem should know what i mean by that..then i started hyperventilating...i think im all good now...as long as i don't leave my room...
i love how just writing this makes me feel better. i wish i would have started typing before i hit my arm a bunch of times...it hurts...i think i hit it on the muscle...it feels all tense..

chemistry

I'm in class right now, chemistry. This class is so boring. People rarely pay attention and he just drones on with whatever we're supposed to be learning instead of trying to get us to listen. There's this dude sitting in front of me, there's and empty seat between us which I'm thankful for, he's a funny shaped dude, he looks almost like he would be really muscular, but I think its mostly pudge. He's wearing pants that fit him like a girls pants would, like as in not baggy like most dudes...he has a black leatherish or faux leather jacket on and it looks ridiculous on him when paired with his personality...he has black flip-flops on. Flip flops on a dude any time is already strange but its even more strange since its half way though November right now...I think he's wearing them because of the band aid wrapped around his big toe that he keeps picking at (barf, that's so gross) he just got a hair cut recently so he looks strange. I think he was trying to copy another guy in my class that got the same haircut about a week or so before. The first dudes hair looks ok on him. The one I've been describing looks like his head is a dusty Q-ball with ears. He is a really weird guy...he gets a crush on every girl he sees... He used to go to the same school I did when I was in third grade, he would wipe boogers on people... (Yuck again!!!) He moved away that year. Almost a year ago I transferred to this school and just my luck he was here ='( the second day I was here he asked me out (bleck) but I was safe from him then because I was going out with someone and I didn't feel horrible when I said no. I broke up with him a few months ago though so now I feel very vulnerable around him...

The bell for lunch is about to ring so I shall stop typing this, I can't hide my phone as easily during lunch...I might describe someone else tomorrow. Peace out earthlings! Jkjk that sounds so weird. =P

thankyou

i love you peoples that comment on my posts. you give me so much more will power to be better.

knee high socks and rainbow rubber duckies

i tried to post this from my phone first then it went crazy and deleted all my typings so now i have to restart from my computer =/

im watching suite life on deck right now!!! i love this show, even though its for little kids =P i love the character thats on sometimes called adison. shes my favorite. her character is soooo funny and so pretty. changed the channel. now im watching princes protection program. im in a disney mood right now =P

i got some new knee high converse since the last time i was on!!!! im so happy. i loved my old ones. they were REAL converse, the zipper on them broke =(. these ones aren't  real. theyre just airwalks but they're still pretty awesome. and they were cheap. only $20 =)))) the others were like $80ish or $90ish!! i like the new ones so much more though. i don't feel bad about coloring on them so i decorated them up awesomely. and they are sooo loose on my shins even though i had them as tight as they would go.~kind of messed up but that makes me really happy.

i have discovered that i reeeaaaalllly love masquerade masks. i wore one as my Halloween costume. kinda a boring costume but the mask was reallly cool. i want to decorate a bunch and hang them up on my walls.
Speaking of walls that gave me an awesome idea for decorating my room. it would be awesome to put a big floor to almost ceiling mirror on one of my walls.

i feel so bleh lately. i HATE this whole trying to eat "normal" thing. its driving me CRAZY! I feel so out of control lately... its weird a lot of people say stuff like "i wish i had never gotten myself into this" etc. but i love my issues... i get no control other than them...and i like being the boss of atleast ONE thing...

i feel so lazy lately...i haven't been feeling good so i have no energy to exercise...im about to though. a ton...or more like stretch...i dont do real exercises...i don't like muscle...i just stretch a ton...and jump around my room right before i go to sleep.
im sick of typing now. audios peoples reading this