659 days ago

There's a tall, skinnier than most people, brown haired girl wearing a gray cardigan and grayish blue skinny jean, a girl no one gives a second look to in a crowd... Just some average no body...she's sitting on one of the many colorful swings at one of the local elementary schools...all alone... Occasionally she moves her feet a little bit so the swing will move. She's super paranoid of every person that walks on the side walk or drives by... She's crying to herself...the setting would make a perfect emo picture...she's not emo though...at least she doesn't think she is. She's just...Her...
That girl is me. ME. Just sitting here, typing this out on my purple black berry curve. If 659 days ago wouldn't have happened...this wouldn't be me...
If 659 days ago hadn't happened...I would be going back and forth between helping my dad cut up a deer and helping my mom decorate the christmas tree. If 659 days ago hadn't happened, I would be begging my dad to not make me cut up the deer because I can't stand the smell of blood and because I'm a vegetarian and because it upsets me so much to see a dead deer hanging my its hind legs from the top bar of a swing set that I've used since I was like 5. If 659 days ago hadn't happened I wouldn't be this skinny...I would be normal sized, maybe even a little bit bigger. If 659 days ago wouldn't have happened I wouldn't have this week old bruise on my arm..if 659 days ago hadn't happened, I would be super excited about the holidays because it would mean that my dad might actually pay attention to me for a bit...
But none of this or any of the other things I wish would happen are ever going to!!! All because I have a fucked up asshole of a dad that had to go and blow his brains away 659 days ago! Did he not think of how him killing himself 5 minutes after I saw him in that depressed state of mind would still be affecting me 659 days later?!?!? Did he think that because his dad died when he was 7, his kids should also go on with the tradition of not growing up with their birth father????? Did he not care about me at all????
I am so fucking sick of not having a dad. Of people not knowing how to talk to me because they know my dad hated me that much. Of people staring at me when I freak out at them for making fun of suicide.
But most of all...spending another christmas with out being able to bug my dad to wake up and have fun with us putting bows on any pet that comes near us, without being able to see him drink almost an entire pot of coffee by himself. Another christmas that he didn't wear that ridiculous sing christmas tie that I got for him, to a banquet thing.
I miss him soooooo much right now and I feel like this pain will never go away...