Soooo I haven't posted in a while. So I decided to today. I'm going to start by ranting about people who annoy me =)
My mother- I think she has actually made me not like the color purple. I never thought this day would come. Today she is wearing a TON of purple...it really makes her look like an oversized grape...I really feel horrible for saying that...but she REALLY does...I would never say that to her face though. So I gues that makes it a little better... Now something non look related about her- she has really bad road rage! Every time we're in a car she is yelling at idiots that can't drive even though they can't hear her, but here's the funniest part: she SUCKS at driving!!! Its so funny!!!
Next person that annoys me- my science classes teacher!!!- he is the biggest idiot in the world!!! He annoys ne but at the same time he's awesome because he is so dumb! He always gives us the answers in class. For example, we were taking a test and the day before it he gave us half the answers so we just wrote the answers on a periodic table then used it during the test and on the ONE question he didn't give us the answer for, we asked him for help and he did the problem for us and gave us the answer.
Next annoying person-well this isn't really a person but it still annoys me- my pants!!!-they all became too short recently! I HATE it so much! Why do clothing makers have it in their head that tall people need a waist band that is big?!?!? I have pants that are like 3 or 4 inches too short and I can pull them atleast 3 inches away from my body! And I'm not even super skinny! I'm relatively "normal" sized! It makes me so mad! For once I would really love to have a pair of jeans that are the right length that I don't have to wear a belt with! Grrrr oh and also shirts!!! I hate how people think that thin people are only the people that are shorter. I don't even have a super long torso and clothes are too short on me even though they fit perfectly in tightness. -.-
Now on to happy stuff =) -my older brother is graduating from texas tech today!!! =)
I've discovered that I REALLY like the taste of wintergreen tictacs =)they're quite tasty.
I'm vegan right now 8P me and one of my friends are having a competition to see who can go the longest. Its really noice, gives me an excuse to not eat some really unhealthy stuff like pizza or icecream =)
Hmmmmm idk what else to talk about...life has been pretty happy lately. Which is a bit strange but I'm not complaining. I really like this happyness. And it doesn't feel fake at all. =)
Well now I really don't know what to type about so peace out peoples reading this! I shall post again soon. Audios!

too young to experiance this stuff

sooo....yesterday there was a 15 year old student with a gun at my cousin's high school in marinette Wisconsin.....he held 23 students, all sophomores i think, and teacher hostage for i don't even know how long...thankfully she wasn't one of the people being held hostage but still...its hard for me to believe stuff like that happening even though i know its true...like, i cant believe that people MY AGE had that happen to them...the guy ended up shooting himself yesterday, he died today...for me, him killing himself bothers me more than him holding people hostage...don't get me wrong, it bothers me also that he held them hostage, but to think that someone my age shot himself...even though im a bit experienced in people i know or know of killing themselves...it makes me hurt inside that someone is so sad that they take their own life...i think because i know how it feels to be that sad...its making me think...

659 days ago

There's a tall, skinnier than most people, brown haired girl wearing a gray cardigan and grayish blue skinny jean, a girl no one gives a second look to in a crowd... Just some average no body...she's sitting on one of the many colorful swings at one of the local elementary schools...all alone... Occasionally she moves her feet a little bit so the swing will move. She's super paranoid of every person that walks on the side walk or drives by... She's crying to herself...the setting would make a perfect emo picture...she's not emo though...at least she doesn't think she is. She's just...Her...
That girl is me. ME. Just sitting here, typing this out on my purple black berry curve. If 659 days ago wouldn't have happened...this wouldn't be me...
If 659 days ago hadn't happened...I would be going back and forth between helping my dad cut up a deer and helping my mom decorate the christmas tree. If 659 days ago hadn't happened, I would be begging my dad to not make me cut up the deer because I can't stand the smell of blood and because I'm a vegetarian and because it upsets me so much to see a dead deer hanging my its hind legs from the top bar of a swing set that I've used since I was like 5. If 659 days ago hadn't happened I wouldn't be this skinny...I would be normal sized, maybe even a little bit bigger. If 659 days ago wouldn't have happened I wouldn't have this week old bruise on my arm..if 659 days ago hadn't happened, I would be super excited about the holidays because it would mean that my dad might actually pay attention to me for a bit...
But none of this or any of the other things I wish would happen are ever going to!!! All because I have a fucked up asshole of a dad that had to go and blow his brains away 659 days ago! Did he not think of how him killing himself 5 minutes after I saw him in that depressed state of mind would still be affecting me 659 days later?!?!? Did he think that because his dad died when he was 7, his kids should also go on with the tradition of not growing up with their birth father????? Did he not care about me at all????
I am so fucking sick of not having a dad. Of people not knowing how to talk to me because they know my dad hated me that much. Of people staring at me when I freak out at them for making fun of suicide.
But most of all...spending another christmas with out being able to bug my dad to wake up and have fun with us putting bows on any pet that comes near us, without being able to see him drink almost an entire pot of coffee by himself. Another christmas that he didn't wear that ridiculous sing christmas tie that I got for him, to a banquet thing.
I miss him soooooo much right now and I feel like this pain will never go away...

Guilty...

i feel so guilty...ive been lying so much lately... i think my friend that lives with me is starting to catch on about how much i actually puke when im not feeling sick...yesterday there were a bunch of people at my house so i went upstairs to my bathroom to puke while everyone was busy and no one would notice...i puked, then started brushing my teeth to get rid of the taste and smell...she came up to my room while i was brushing my teeth and asked if i just threw up....i said no and that i was brushing my teeth because i had a nasty taste in my mouth...
that is just the most recent lie. theres more. im talking about this one because it really is bugging me right now...

i decided to fast today and tomorrow...ive never gone two whole days...i usually go one day then eat something really small the days after... but i will go two days. three if i can without anyone getting suspicious.

i discovered the most amazing invention ever. not really...i already knew about them and have had them before but i really liked them last night. POPSICLES! last night i had this amazing Popsicle that was pretty big and it was only 90 calories! i loved it. and even having TWO i had waaaayyyy less calories than my friend who had an ice cream thing. i don't remember what it was that she had but its size was a lot smaller than my thing and probably not nearly as good. im going to have to convince my people to keep Popsicles in my house so i can have that instead of whatever disgusting desert they have. 

so this is kinda really creepy- last night i was texting people and i kept hearing a short vibrate around the time that i got a text. then i looked around and found my old phone that's disconnected and i discovered that it was also receiving my texts. it wouldn't send any though =/ i think the ghost in my house did somehting to make it receive texts =P

thats all for now peoples reading =) i shall write again another time or day adios =)

thanksgiving

I want to puke right now...not because I ate a ton or anything...I really didn't eat much at all...but because I feel like my brother doesn't like me anymore...he used to be one of those awesome older brothers that is super close to their younger sister...we always used to sit on the couch and stay warm...now he won't let me under the blanket because "you're cold, I don't want you to make me cold" and we always used to have this war where we would make ridiculous faces at each other...now he looks at me like I'm a little kid and doing that is stupid...its so upsetting...I just want to go puke a ton...I don't know how that would make me feel better but in my head, I know it would...I miss the old him so much...he ued to be so fun...
='(

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I FREAKING CANT HANDLE HOW I NEED PERFECTION!!!
I've been freaking out at everything lately!
i tried to eat a pop tart ice cream sandwich. the ice cream in  it was fat free sugar free or something. i put like a forth of a cup between the poptarts and i freaked out on it so i wiped the ice cream into my sink and was just going to eat the pop tarts. then i saw that the pop tarts were a little wet from the ice cream and it made me so mad that i threw the pop tarts! then that made me freak out more so i had to go clean my room and make it spotless.
Today my mom asked me to fill up the dog's water container because she knocked it off the porch and dumped it out again. i filled it up in the bath tub and noticed there was a leak on part of it because the dog chewed on it, but it wouldn't matter once i put it in its holder. i made it about 6 steps to the closed door then i couldn't tilt it right to keep water from leaking every where so i set it on the floor and it completely busted and leaked all over the hall way. i tried mopping up all the water but the stupid mop wouldn't soak up the water so i had to use bath towels. then i threw the water holder out the door so she would have something to chew on and slammed the door and the blinds hanging on it fell off. then i lost it even more and left and came up to my room and started hitting myself...i hate how i loose control and do that to myself...i don't to...it hurts because i hit it so hard...but i cant stop myself...any one with a self injury problem should know what i mean by that..then i started hyperventilating...i think im all good now...as long as i don't leave my room...
i love how just writing this makes me feel better. i wish i would have started typing before i hit my arm a bunch of times...it hurts...i think i hit it on the muscle...it feels all tense..

chemistry

I'm in class right now, chemistry. This class is so boring. People rarely pay attention and he just drones on with whatever we're supposed to be learning instead of trying to get us to listen. There's this dude sitting in front of me, there's and empty seat between us which I'm thankful for, he's a funny shaped dude, he looks almost like he would be really muscular, but I think its mostly pudge. He's wearing pants that fit him like a girls pants would, like as in not baggy like most dudes...he has a black leatherish or faux leather jacket on and it looks ridiculous on him when paired with his personality...he has black flip-flops on. Flip flops on a dude any time is already strange but its even more strange since its half way though November right now...I think he's wearing them because of the band aid wrapped around his big toe that he keeps picking at (barf, that's so gross) he just got a hair cut recently so he looks strange. I think he was trying to copy another guy in my class that got the same haircut about a week or so before. The first dudes hair looks ok on him. The one I've been describing looks like his head is a dusty Q-ball with ears. He is a really weird guy...he gets a crush on every girl he sees... He used to go to the same school I did when I was in third grade, he would wipe boogers on people... (Yuck again!!!) He moved away that year. Almost a year ago I transferred to this school and just my luck he was here ='( the second day I was here he asked me out (bleck) but I was safe from him then because I was going out with someone and I didn't feel horrible when I said no. I broke up with him a few months ago though so now I feel very vulnerable around him...

The bell for lunch is about to ring so I shall stop typing this, I can't hide my phone as easily during lunch...I might describe someone else tomorrow. Peace out earthlings! Jkjk that sounds so weird. =P

thankyou

i love you peoples that comment on my posts. you give me so much more will power to be better.

knee high socks and rainbow rubber duckies

i tried to post this from my phone first then it went crazy and deleted all my typings so now i have to restart from my computer =/

im watching suite life on deck right now!!! i love this show, even though its for little kids =P i love the character thats on sometimes called adison. shes my favorite. her character is soooo funny and so pretty. changed the channel. now im watching princes protection program. im in a disney mood right now =P

i got some new knee high converse since the last time i was on!!!! im so happy. i loved my old ones. they were REAL converse, the zipper on them broke =(. these ones aren't  real. theyre just airwalks but they're still pretty awesome. and they were cheap. only $20 =)))) the others were like $80ish or $90ish!! i like the new ones so much more though. i don't feel bad about coloring on them so i decorated them up awesomely. and they are sooo loose on my shins even though i had them as tight as they would go.~kind of messed up but that makes me really happy.

i have discovered that i reeeaaaalllly love masquerade masks. i wore one as my Halloween costume. kinda a boring costume but the mask was reallly cool. i want to decorate a bunch and hang them up on my walls.
Speaking of walls that gave me an awesome idea for decorating my room. it would be awesome to put a big floor to almost ceiling mirror on one of my walls.

i feel so bleh lately. i HATE this whole trying to eat "normal" thing. its driving me CRAZY! I feel so out of control lately... its weird a lot of people say stuff like "i wish i had never gotten myself into this" etc. but i love my issues... i get no control other than them...and i like being the boss of atleast ONE thing...

i feel so lazy lately...i haven't been feeling good so i have no energy to exercise...im about to though. a ton...or more like stretch...i dont do real exercises...i don't like muscle...i just stretch a ton...and jump around my room right before i go to sleep.
im sick of typing now. audios peoples reading this

euuuggghhhh

I freaking hate this so much!!!! I feel so bleh right now and I want to go back to the only thing that makes me feel better but I can't because I'm trying to get better and ugh!!! I hate this soooo much. Starving amd exercising and throwing up makes me feel so much better. Ugh =(

scared so bad

I'm sooooo scared right now. My mom had to go to the emergency room.... I don't want my only parent to die.... ='(((
I'm going to make this sickness in my head go away. I would never be able to handle myself if my mom were to see me in a hospital with a feeding tube stuck in me. Her being sick right now has enlightened that in my head... I'm going to work my hardest to be normal for her now...

SWEDEN!!!

i was looking at my stats that say where people are that looked at my blog and it said someone from Sweden looked at it!!! i think thats so amazing. i LOVE sweden. its the coolest country in the world. i probably only think that because im mostly swedish but i don't care.
question to any peoples that live in sweden: Is Mason a common last name there? that was my gpa's last name and he was full swedish.

I'm so completely exhausted....this is the second day i haven't been able to go to school because I'm just too tired and weak. I think I've been doing this thing where I think I go to sleep but don't really...I did that for an entire summer once. I looked horrible... I don't know whats causing this to happen again...last time it was because i was severely depressed. I haven't been too sad lately, i've actually been pretty happy so i have no idea what's happening.
I'm going to take something tonight to make me sleep. if it doesn't work i have to go to the doctor ='((( i HATE doctors...every time i go, that stupid lady tests for strep and the flu no matter what i go there for. if you don't know- for flu they stick a long q-tip up your nose and swab it, which is reeeeaaalllllyyyy horrible. and for strep they stick it down your throat to swap, which really hurts... the stupid doctor tested for strep and flu when i went there because of BACK PROBLEMS!!! seriously?!?!
ughhhh im soooo tired. but i cant shut down my mind enough to sleep.
i have an awesome idea. my computer has a built on web cam so I'm going to leave a light on and aim the computer towards me while i sleep to see what i do. i just need to fall asleep first....

I tried fasting yesterday...it was surprisingly easy...I didn't eat at all until around 9:30ish and then i only ate celery in front of my mom. i don't think celery would really count against fasting. its not like it would add any calories to my intake.

i look so yuck today. my eyes have these dark shadows from my horrible sleeping issues. woooww i jump around subjects badddd.

i have discovered something wonderful-I LOVE youtube. i already knew that but, i discovered i love it even more. theres movies on it!! which is really nice since i don't really have any good movies and theres nothing good on tv. and this way i dont get virus' from sites that have movies =) yesterday i watched 'a secret between friends' and part of 'painful secrets' i finished painful secrets today. weeeiiirrdd both have secret in the title. i just noticed that.... now im about to watch
devil's diary =) ive never heard of it before so i have no idea if its good. but i hadn't ever heard of the other two and they were really good.
Links if you want to watch them:
painful secrets-  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YhEKsA2kCI&feature=related
its about a girl who cuts.

A secret between friends- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7VmB6phCtc
its about a girl with anorexia.

Devil's Diary- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGWBUyXNx2k&feature=related
I have no idea yet so don't be mad at me if it sucks please.

euagh im so sore. my right shoulder hurts insanely bad and then also the back of my hips =(

pixiestix014 asked if my sister is older and i kinda don't feel like commenting on my own blog, thats kinda weird so i shall answer in this post: yes, she is older. shes ...8 years older...i think. i don't feel like doing the math right now... you can though if you want to. she is 23 as of September and i am 15 as of August.
And thankyou for recommending me. =) youre awesome.
 
whoooaaa my hands look soooo weird at the moment. my palms are all blotchy looking. maybe its from the angle im holding my arms while i type...
i think im done talking randomly for now...audios peoples that are reading my blog! =P

fly away

I was sitting in the car with my mother, just got a yes to staying home from school tomorrow-im having MAJOR control issues and for some reason my body like to try to show who's boss by not letting me sleep even though I'm exhausted :/- well, I looked up at the sky and saw this beautiful cloud butterfly sitting on a cloud log, eliminated by the halfish moon. The butterfly looked so free and graceful. Like it could spread her wings and take flight into the night and dance a wonderful dance. Oh how I wish to be that butterfly. How I wish to spread my wings and take flight and never return to this sad polluted world. When I finally fall asleep I shall become the butterfly and soar away. And become graceful and beautiful beyond all my imaginations. =)

grrness

How DARE he sign that letter "dad"!!!!!!! HE ISN'T MY DAD!!!! AND HE NEVER WILL BE!!! my mom says he will never try to replace my dad. signing a letter "dad" is trying to!!!!!!!! especially if MY DAD. my REAL dad hasn't even been dead for two years yet!!! ughhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to fast or not to fast.

right now i feel like fasting for a week....ive never really fasted before...unless you count this one time i ate nothing at all and barely drank any water for a little over a day because i was so depressed about something...the only reason i ended up eating was because my mom sent me to stay with my sister for a week and i think she told her to make sure i ate and my sister was staring me down like a hawk so i had to eat a burrito...
But right now i want to because i want to feel the control. and i want to feel the hunger pains. i love feeling pain on my body...if i could get away with it...i would probably have cuts all over me...but the people i hang out with are very noticing of cuts. and they are very....enforcing? of trying to get people to stop cutting. so i will have to do with hunger pains. then when im bored of fasting i will start to eat only celery and lettuce...that way i don't binge and get rid of the proof i have of my control...until my metabolism is back to normal then i might eat some in front of people that way they don't get worried.
ehhh this sounds so morbid...oh well...i doubt many people if any read my blogs anyway. theyre more of a diary to me. but one that my family wont find and read. 

10.18.10

After school I came home and within TWO hours I had devoured this:
1 brownie-kind of a big one.
2 chocolate chip cookies-about an inch & a half in diameter
2 pieces of bread with I can't believe its not butter spread on them.
Glass of chocolate almond silk
Package of peanut butter crackers- 200 calories worth alone
3 rolls with the fake butter and honey.
--------
Ewwwww. I feel so disgusted with myself right now...
I'm typing this in between spews...tmi I know...
Its strange. You'd think that since the rolls were the last thing I devoured, they would be the first to come up...they weren't...I think the brownies/silk was...what evEr it was is a chocolatey colored brown bleck. I'm starting to get chunks of rolls up now...
I need to chew things better...I should not be able to tell what I'm puking up.
I nevEr thought I would go towards puking as I hate throwing up...but lately,, I've been tickling the back of my throat with that short white tooth brush more and more frequently...in the past 20 hours, I've done it 3 times....that makes me feel disgusted with myself again...
I think I'm going to stop now...I feel so guilty...I want to shove the toothbrush down my throat again though...and again. And again. Until I puke up my organs...

ugh :(

I'm so bleh feeling. There was this ad on the radio about sonic's patties being bigger and juicier and it made me want to puke. More like bigger, more fattening, and greasier...that was added to the already disgusting feeling from trying to eat a chocolate shake... I've been trying so hard to eat better and not go days without eating hardly at all but right now I feel like I'm about to go back to that even though I don't want to...I hate the way I worry people and the way I'm so weak that I can't stand up without feeling dizzy but I love the sense of control I have. I love the way I finally feel like I get a say in my life. Today when I was trying to eat the shake, every spoonful was torture. I used to love them but today it was absolutely disgusting. The way it tasted...the way it felt on my tongue...the way the spoon felt...all of it. I couldn't finish it. Its sitting in front of me right now like a cup of vomit...

walking around

At walmart at the moment. Helping my mom look for a present for a little kid...I just walk through the girl isle, EXPLOSION of pink and barbies and dolls. Makes me want to puke. Yay I found the book isle, idk what kind of book to get though...hmmmmm.....there's this couple talking about a map being really small lol, the dude said he need his bifocals to read it and then his wife said that's why you drive, it was so weirdly cute. Found a book to get, harry potter and the deathly hallows. I'm such a harry potter nerd =P ugh I just got bad chest pains =( ooooooo fake flower isle. I love that isle even thouygh they're fake. I wish I had a hula hoop, that would be so awesome. Woooowwww I sound like a little kid...ugh I hate how disgusting and uinhealthy everything is. It makes me want to puke. I wish people would relize how bad most of this junk is for them.

Banned

today i read this article in some magazine about books that are banned. it irritated me so much. not the article, but like how some books are banned. i think banning books is rediculous. i mean i understand a school keeping a book with a lot of sex out of an elemantary school, but why does it matter if its in a high school? at least half of them have already had sex. and then they had some books banned because they were "socially offensive". if someone is really going to get offended about a story character calling someone a racist name they should go to an island all by them self, because newsflash thats a part of life and being what ever race the person is. they have "anne frank: the diary of a young girl" on the list. that is so astonishing. that book is like something all people should read. and Harry Potter. i don't get why people hate those books so much just because the character is a wizard. people ban the book because an author has a good imagination. how messed up is that?!?!?! 

I don't get why some people think other people shouldn't be able to read certin books because of their content. it should be the readers choice if they can read it or not.

i think my rant is over. im not trying to offened anyone. those are just my oppinions. please dont get mad at me if you have a different oppion. please post your oppion about this

THE ARTICLE: seen in  AARPBulletin september 2010 vol. 51 No. 7

the list of books banned by american schools and libraries includes many of the classics. here's our list, prepared to coincide with the american library association's annual banned books week, sept. 25-oct.2.We've highlighted a few favorite 50-plus rogues and villians. Who says you gotta be young to rebel? by Betsy Towner

Too Political:

1. uncle tom's cabin

2 all quiet on the western front

3. a farewell to arms

4.the grapes of wrath

5.for whom the bell tolls

6.animal farm

7.1984

8doctor zhivago

9.slaughterhouse five

10in the spirit of crazy horse

Too much sex:

1madame bovary

2.tess of the d'urbervilles

3.ulysses

4.the sun also rises

5.lady chatterley's lover

6.tropic of cancer

7.lolita

8.peyton place

9.rabbit, run

10.i know why the caged bird sings

11.jaws

12.forever

13.the prince of tides

14.beloved

15.how the garcia girls lost their accents

IRRELIGIOUS:

1. on the origin of species

2.the lord of the rings trilogy

3.the last temtation of christ

4.bless me, ultima

5.harry potter series

SOCIALLY OFFENSIVE:

1 the autobiography of benjamin franklin

2. the scarlet letter

3.the adventures of huckleberry fin

4. as i lay dying

5. brave new world

6. gone with the wind

7. of mice and men

8.anne frank:the diary of a young girl

9. the catcher in the rye

10. fahrenheit 451

11. to kill a mocking bird

12. james and the giant peach

13. catch-22

14. a clockwork orange

15. one flew over the cuckoo's nest

16. in cold blood

17. cujo

18. the color purple

19. ordinary people

20. a thousand acres.

---------------------------------

then next to that it tells some about some of the books but i kind of got sick of typing all that so im not going to. i also didn't add the authors names. sorry.

 PLEASE add your oppinion about this. i like hearing what other people have to say.

by the way-they aren't banned in all schools and libraries. ive checked out a few of those books before.

ps. sorry this is soooo long.

boredom

this will be short. its for the people that will be creeping on my blog after i click "follow" on theirs. =P

im going to randomly follow people. that's it. im all done now. =P don't worry. it reallly is random. probably be mostly blogs i see on PT. no stalkerism involved.

dsjfklsdjfkldsjkfl

today on and off my fingers have been going tingly. its really freaking me out. i don't know whats causing it to happen.

COFFFEEEEEEE!!!!!!

i just drank some COFFEEE hehehehe im hyper nowwww. i think i shall go jump around my room for a bit. it will be amazingggg. i love coffee. Me+Coffee=<3 hahahahahaha

i love caffine rushes. they make my arms start shaking. its so amusing. and now im typing like a bajillion miles per hour. aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

aparrently i have a bunch of misspelled words in this blog. hahaha oh welll. it took me like four times to spell well close enough to how its spelled. hahahaha.

my first blog

aaahhhhhhh!!!! im a blogger now. lol.  so for my first blog im going to say a bunch of random stuff about me because i kind of bored at the moment...haha

-i can't stand cherries-the way they smell the way they taste bleh the give me major headaches

-I have an eating disorder...no one close to me knows about this though...and if they do they don't make it seem like they do to me.

-i love the newspaper game, sudoku. 

-i have insanely long toes..haha

-i can touch my nose with my tongue

-i love being weird

-i have a puppy thats not really a puppy anymore named daffy

-im currently falling asleep while typing this lol

-i understand nothing about football

-i still love this guy...he cheated on me during the last week we were together....=,( so i really don't know why i still love him...

-right now im either having allergy problems or i have a bad cold. =/

-im going to sleep now. bye peoples =P

-