BLEEEAAAAHHHHH!!! -.-

I haven't been on here or PT in a loonnnngggg time as I've been trying to be healthier and happier...
FAIL! -.-
I didn't really feel fat or overweight before. My eating issues existed purely from my need of control and I needed control a lot from my depression. I've been on some depression meds since...October 6th? Maybe? It was sometime at the beginning of October. At first they screwed up my stomach so bad, it was almost impossible to eat anything at all without feeling like I was going to puke it all out. Then after my body got used to them that stopped and then I wasn't super depressed all the time so I started eating more. I have discovered that it is quite TRUE that if you eat not too much for a while it screws up your metabolism...I now weigh 135ish fully clothed according the scale at school. I wanted to cry. I weighed 123 fully clothed last year on valentines day at the emergency room. (i got a spider bite and it swelled up massively) It made me feel so fat. I haven't ever felt like a fat pig before. I knew I had gained some weight because I couldn't fit my fingers around my upper thigh anymore and my thigh gap wasn't as big, but seriously, 12 pounds!?! How is that even possible?!?! This has never happened to me before! I feel so disgusted with myself for getting like this! ='((( And now all I can see on myself is pudge and fat! and I can't even fit my fingers around my thigh just half way up! So now I feel yuck with myself and am a bit depressed because of that and feel the need for control.
But that's not even all! My best friend just moved TWO THOUSAND miles away! ='( She's the only person in the world that can truly handle me and understand what's going on in my head when I'm having a freak out. And the only friend I can confide in about some personal things. Including this issue.
And then it's also the holidays. Which suck because I hate not getting to celebrate with my dad here.
And then it's also coming close to my dad's three year deathiversary.
MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS GOING TO FREAKING EXPLODE!!!!!
I can feel myself slipping back to this horrible addiction. But at the same time I kind of want it...It will help get rid of all the weight I've gained...But that makes me have a war in my head...I know it's bad for me...but it helps me feel so much better when I can see that I've lost weight...just seeing the proof of my control...
I really don't particularly like holidays at all...minus getting to see my brother and sister. American holidays are filled with the expectation to stuff your face full of a bunch of garbage. We have like a bajillion cookies and sweets and such at my house right now... -.- I have such an addiction to sugar...and then the smell of things from my childhood, such a wonderful time. A time before having no father. A time before having some major mood problems. It's like I just can't stop myself from eating the cookies... =(((( I don't want to eat them because I'm hungry or anything... They just remind me of happier times. And then I hate myself for it. -.-
I'm starting a work out thing though. Lots of situps/crunches, squats, push-ups, etc. And as it is winter break for another week and a half maybe I can get some calories off before I get back to school and won't be able to exercise often. I don't really have anything to do during the break anyway with my best friend having moved away and then my next best friend that's a girl is visiting her dad in a different state and my best guy friend is rarely allowed to leave his house, which makes me really paranoid that he actually hates me to be honest, and then my next best guy friend is non going out with my best friend and she gets super jealous =/ I am quite friendless right now.
Sorry for the obnoxiously long, kinda whiny blog. I don't really have anyone else to vent to at the moment though. =/
Peace Out fellow bloggers! =P

I haven't been on here or PT in so long...I had been doing so well, I was finally starting to get control of my life in a non harmful way...then I crashed. I always seem to fail at being happy/ doing well in life...Am I destine to be miserable forever??? I am now on anti depressants..cymbalta to be exact...They screw me up so bad. They're supposed to make me upbeat and more awake according to the doctor, but NO they make me so freaking exhausted! I am half asleep throughout the entire school day which makes it hard for me to concentrate. And then they aren't supposed to make me sick if I don't take them with food, but they do. But honestly I kind of like that...it gives me an excuse not to eat all day... My head can be so sick sometimes...
I want life to be happy again... I enjoyed it so much until I crashed. -.-

I want to be normal...I hate how I can't stop trying to get control...I wish I could eat like a normal 16 year old girl with out freaking out or having a battle in my head...but I don't want to go to tell my mom, I doubt she would even do anything...she'd probably just get mad at me...she would probably never bring me to a doctor to get help...i asked her 2ish months ago if she would bring me to the doctor when I got home so I could stop being depressed and find out why I can't sleep, etc...I've been home since july 20th i think it was...and i haven't been to the doctor, nor has she made any mention of bringing me at all...I doubt any doctor would believe me if I even ever got the courage to admit to them about my eating problems...I'm not severely underweight, I'm like borderline underweight for my height according to my bmi...if on the extremely small chance that they would believe me and i would start to get help, i don't know if i could even handle it...i don't want them to make me gain weight...i love being thinner than my friends...its like the only way i can feel like I'm winning for once...everyone is ALWAYS better than me...except for that...and now my head hurts...audios people.. =/

im a freak =P

hehehehe i haven't eaten since last month! I feel goofy. kind of like how i expect high people feel.

toe. eye. finger. teeth. leg. butt. ear. nose.

i feel soooo weird. kind of over tired...but in a way that makes me not able to sleep? im super tired but my brain wont shut down.
and im hungry. but i feel like im going to be sick.
curse you strange body!!! =P
goodnight =)

-.-

I don't like people today. Well...I don't like people most days.. =P but even more so today. Especially the people in my house. And also the animals.
Rant Begin!!!! =D -oh and sorry if it gets hard to understand...i type really fast when i get in to thought and then i tend to mess up and i don't tend to go back and fix the mistakes =P-
my mother is so freaking annoying!!!!!!!! and she has this stupid lady living with us!!! she says R is NOT her friend but she acts closer to the stupid lady than me and my best friend! my mom finally agreed to not have the gross food in our house now that her stupid exboyfriend is gone and she said that she wouldn't b3e able to go ful out vegetarian or vegan but she would at least not have red meats and junk food in the house. and theeennn she keeps buying freaking nasty fatty greasy garbage!!! before that stupid "not her friend" got here she would at least not have red meats or tons of sugar in the house. she would load ranch on her salads but atleast we had the freaking salads at dinner instead of weird tasting vegetables soacked in olive oil! and everytime the lady cooks her nasty greasy fatty food my mom says mmm mm mmmm mm and then that stupid lady is like tehehehehe -.- it drives me freaking insane!!! and then when i cook she say oh this is really good.. but i can tell she hates it! and its all because i don't cook foods fillled with grease and fat and salt and tons of chemicals! yesterday she got a huge atleast gallon sized tub of ice ccream, a big thing of squeazable caramel, tons of those packages of different varieties. well not tons but there were atleast 5, cheeze puffs, chicken nuggets, and we already had a squeezable caramel!!! AND we have like 30 cans of sodas in my house! oh and she also got a few bags of those weird candy fruit slice things that are like gummy bears kind of in texture and are covered in sugar and then also a huge bag of licorish!! oh annnddd they bought two huge boxes of pizza and a box of cheezy breadsticks. and made this weird garlic butter that they drenched their pizza with. and the both had like 6 or 7 peices of pizza and however many of the sticks and then my mom said "im FINALLY full" !@#$% grrr in makes me so sick to be in the same room as them when they eat! i just want to completely not eat at all obviously until they stop eating like this!!! i know its hard for them...but she could atleast try a little bit to eat healthier...im trying to help her...i was cooking with whole grains and lots of vegetables and not unhealthy proportions....it would help her body feel so much better if she lost 130+ pounds...she's always complaining about hurting so bad...its because her joints have whatever the pressure is from 300+ pounds of weight pushing down on them...and if she lost the weight maybe shed be able to do more things with me...we can't even go anywhere for vacation because she starts hurting in 5 minutes of motion...we can't even go to the mall with out her sitting on the venches almost the wohole time...i end up just walking around by myself or having to stand around looking weird waiting 30 minutes for her to get 5 more minutes of engery then reapeat...i hate her largeness. i feel aweful saying that but i reeaallllyy do. everyone else my age gets to do things with their parents. i can't because she's to large to be out of her huge recliner for more than 2 hours of non sleeping day and i have no dad. ugh.
now on to stupid R
apart from her nastiness of food invading my house, she keeps taking over my dog and cat! she keeps calling them her babies! they arent her freaking pets, theyre mine! and she tried to feed my dog a cheese puff yesterday! those are horible for everyone! and her stupid dog gets in fights with my dog all the time but she wont keep the stupid thing locked up! my dog was here first, this is his teretory not that nasty rats!!
and now non people
i freaking hate this stupid heat wave!!! i cant leave my house and go anywhere if there were a place to go in this tiny little not even big enough to be a town! its been like 105 ish here all summer! and thats without the heat index! we haven't had rain all year! ugh! i hate this country!
Rant Over
im feeling quite hateful right now...and my word of the day is stupid...
that felt kind of good.
i broke my eating healthier vow. why are adictions so hard to break? and how is not eating even an adiction?
strange food thing at present time- oatmeal. i have to have one bowl of it a day...its so strange. oh and i also must drink coffee. coffee doesn't really have an affect on me physically. it doesn't wake me up or make me tired. but idk..i guess i have to have the taste in my mouth?
and i freaked out the other day because my mom was using the green cup...i HAVE to use the green cup...i couldn't drink from a white one. it was so weird.
last night my friend and i were talking about how screwed up our original little group of friends are...she actually said i have an eating disorder...ive never really felt i have one. in my head i have eating issues or control issues...but i refuse to tell my self i have an actual disorder...denile maybe? idk. so that was like a punch to the face. or brain?
and then she finally admitted she has a little puking problem. ive honestly known since january? i think it was.... but when i confronted her about it she denied it. but it was in a way that made me feel even more sure. but i didn't want to push her into admitting something she wasnt ready to admit to me so i dropped it. but it was a bit obvious from my point of view...
sorry this is so long and rambley. i had a lot that needed to escape my brain =P im super tired now so nighty night =)

hehehehehe

"final destination 5"
well someone doesn't understand the meaning of FINAL. =P
i had to repost that. i saw it on a friends facebook =P

I want to eat like a normal person...I want to get over this annoyingness and stop using food as a control technique...I wish to eat healthy from now on. And vegan. That way I don't die from high cholesterol.
Today for breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon in it. And a cup of coffee with non dairy creamer and plain sugar. the coffee isn't the healthiest thing but I'm working on it. I would have used organic sugar...but we ran out yesterday =(
For lunch...I have no idea yet =( I'll find something in my vegan recipe book I put together. I found this website that has A TON of vegan recipes. =)
That's all for now. =P

strange new eating obsession?

im pretty sure obsession is spelled wrong...maybe not...it looks wrong though...hmmm
well on to my point of this post..i have this strange new tendency. strange for me at least...i already tend to not like things that are high calories for one serving. even if the only thing i eat that day. but i could handle eating a normal amout of lower cal things like vegies.  lately though i don't like things that more than 150 cal. at all. and even if it is less i tend to not take a ful serving. and then i can't stand that feeling of not being empty. even if its just water in me. it just makes me feels so ful...
is it "normal" for a persons "eating issues" as i like to say, evolve strangely like this?
p.s. im also like a vegan police for what goes in me. i can't handle real egg whites or butter etc. which i was semi ok with before. and its makeing me so grrr at people if they add non vegan things to the meals i cook that tend to be completely vegan
iny ideas or thoughts?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhh

i haven't posted in forever! sorry. my computer charger freaked out and had smoke coming from it and i was afraid to use my mom's computer to go on this incase she somehow found it in the history and read it. and then my phone screen cracked extremely bad.
i have a great urge to not eat. but i can't...we have family meals now =/
which reminds me. i finally convinced my mom to only have healthy food in the house so we would eat healthier. she really doesn't know the difference between healthy and horrible for you. she thinks just because it is okay in a serving size it means its super healthy in any portion. and she smothers her salad in ranch -barf- ranch is super gross! even if it wasn't horrible for you! and she made muffins a few days ago. it was like 200 something calories and a ton of sugar per serving and the box made 12 serving size muffins...she made 6 out of the entire box. thats like almost half a days worth of calories and more sugar than you need in a week in one stinking muffin!!! and then she keeps getting macaroni. macaroni is super awful and i told her its unhealthy and complained about us trying to eat only healthy stuff and she still got the freaking stuff! -.-
and then her annoying friend moved in with us to "help her out around the house" and the stupid lady brought a ton of garbage food with her! she was told that we were a health food only zone and she said ok to it! grrrr! she eats worse than a 8 year old boy!!!
rant over. i think.
i  think im just going to drink a ton of coffee for a day or two...it really supresses my appetite for some strange reason. but i will still get a few calories from the sugar so i wont be completly fasting witch i don't really feel comfortable doing. it makes me feel guilty.
school starts in a month for me...but that means cooler weather is coming soon so im all for school starting =P
goodnight! =)

-.-

i am so desperate i am willing to go to the doctor. and that is saying something. but what on earth would i have my mom tell them is wrong with me when she were to make an appointment if she did? it sounds pretty weird to have a conversation go like so:
phone ppl"hello, doctors clinic, how may i help you"
my mom "yes. i need to make an appointment for -insert my name here- for sometime this week"
PP "theres an opening on so and so date. what is troubling her?"
MM "well she feels all empty and stuff"
see so stupid! grrr! im so sleepy!!!! why can't i freaking go to sleep?!?! ugh. -.-

i can't sleep again =/  i slept for about 3 hours today...grrr stupid brain not turning off so i can sleep
all done posting. good bye.

=/

im tired. i haven't slept since 10ish-10:30ish? yesterday morning...its 9:50 right now. =/ i don't even know why or how im awake...the only thing i can think of is the coffee i had yesterday night...i had like 4 coffee cup fulls of hazelnut coffee...but after i had drinken? drunk? drank? idk whatever. after i had consumed the 4 coffees i got really sleepy and out of it feeling...or maybe it was the green tea i had? i had 8 cups after the coffee...but green tea doesn't have caffeine in it...at least mine doesn't...so i don't think that could be it...
I made breakfast for the people in my house this morning... i had been trying to fall asleep around 5:40 but it just wasn't working out so i went and got a glass of tea then sat on my front step...i was going to watch the sun come up...then i guess i got distracted or something and decided to make them breakfast...i made a bunch of tiny pancakes, scrambled eggs, a platter of fruit, and coffee...then i set the table all nice. my mom really liked it... for some reason no one really ate my pancakes...idk why though...there wasn't anything wrong with them...it made me kind of sad =/ but oh well. i had 2 pancakes and some fruit..i feel stuffed to sickness now =( which i don't really understand...the pancakes were super small. a little bit smaller than the size of a spray paint can lid. oh wait i forgot i had a small piece of some coffee cake my mom made...maybe its sugaryness was too much for me? but that sounds weird too...i can handle HIGH amounts of sugar and not be phased...
i have to pee. AGAIN. i swear ive gone pee like 15 times since yesterday around 6 pm...thats when i started drinking a bunch of coffee and tea.
i think i'll take a shower after i pee...eh nevermind. ill wait until noonish.
-about to go tinkle-
and im back. although you wouldn't had even known that i had even left...oh well. already typed. not hitting backspace. or delete.
i can't wait to go to the art program. only 2 more weeks! =))) and then i will have freedom! well kind of... but not really. different freedom than i do now so its all cool.
my bedroom is bugging me...i cleaned it a few days ago because i was looking for my tweezers, which i never did find...Its not messy but its not clean either...its that in between that is just annoying because it feels like it would be too clean to say you need to clean it without sounding weird but messy enough to bug me. =/ speaking of cleaning, i need to go through my closet and start packing...nothing in my room has been packed yet. im such a procrastinator. wow i actually spelled that right on the first try =P
i have a sty on my eye. (ha that ryhmed :p) its irritating =( all bumpy on my eyelid because it can't possibly have any other person's eye to sit upon. just sitting there. being a jerk face. and being all sty-like. -.-
im going to sleep now. or try to. good night..or something like that?

EUGHHHH

im so freakishly lazy! i hate it! but i can't even stop being lazy enough to stop my lazyness for good! grrr! it can not possibly be normal for a teenage girl to be this lazy. ugh. how do i get rid of my lazyness and start being more active?

woof woof meow gulp gulp crash!!!

i feel like i don't remember most of today...stranggeee...
i lost a follower :( so sad
butttt i did find out that at least one person does read this. i love you vibeke lincke!!! :) i didn't mean to make you sad. thankyou for reading this and commenting :) and also the other random people that may read this and may exist. you are awesome too! =P
my plant is dying =( ive been watering it...its a sunburst lilly or something like that. i feel bad.. like i abandoned it and thats why its dying right now. its all wilted and depressing looking =( poor plant. and it was about to finally bloom. i got it to brighten up my room a little and make it less sad feeling. FAIL!!!
i reealllllyyyy need to finish a painting...its for my brothers birthday...which was last friday... im such a procrastinator..
new plan for my room. maybe. light gray walls? and "normal" looking? (instead of the insaneness i had planned with chalkboard paint and spraypainting walls etc) i think i will. i feel like i need normalness in my life. i will still have my cool random things but my room would look like a normal room if i were to move out.
is this normal- every time i consume pineapple it makes my mouth super sore and sometimes makes it bleed then a couple hours later my stomach starts hurting so bad and makes me reaallyyy nauseous. and not just a normal pukey feeling. its like a nasty painful pukey feeling that hurts and makes me curl up in a ball and i can't go back to sleep...and if its not normal what on earth causes this??? and how do i stop it? i love pineapples and they are vegan friendly so i can consume them and grrr its so annoying!
im bringing R iceskating on thursday for her birthday :) her birthday is next week but shes needing some fun so were celebrating this week. the ice rink is in a mall so were going to try to get random mall people to take pictures with us in the photo booth thingys =P it will be a fun day =)
hmmm i think thats it for now. rock on readers! =P nighty night =)

im having a degrassi marathon! starting from degrassi junior high!!!! i love that show. ive never seen the original episodes though. i think there might be episodes even older but im already watching these ones. so if there are ill watch them later.

isn't being vegan supposed to make you feel all awesome and healthy???? i feel like yuck from trying to be vegan! it sucks. i just want to go non vegan. but i like the almost control at the same time...and its the closest i can get to full control...so i get to feel yucky =/ hmm...is control even that good..? i control what goes in..but i feel yuck...and i can't control that..so technically am i even getting control??? ugh. stupidness

i feel empty still. but a different empty? idk how to explain it...
i hate people. seriously. i can't even go in my best friends house because her stupid mom is there. its so freakishly awkward! eugh!
bye.

i can't tell what i feel anymore...i feel kind of...idk...emotionless? All i really want to do is go to sleep for a long time. I even feel like i could.
Im simultaneously typing this up and watching harry potter and the half blood prince. i love harry potter. the books/movies are so awesome.
eh im done typing. goodbye non existent readers =P

-.^ strange????

I walked downstairs to get some water and had to go through the living room, where my mom was, to get to the kitchen...when I walked into the living room my mom tried to hide what looked like a package of girl scout cookies behind her back? Then she went into the kitchen while I was in there and kept them hidden by her side then hastily tossed them on the counter and tossed an oven mitt and spatula over it while unnecessarily moving stuff out of the way so she could do something. It is the weirdest thing I've ever seen her do...I don't even get what the point was to it. I am thoroughly confused by her sometimes...

hmmm.... =/

I feel empty...not as in stomach empty...but idk...soul? Kind of as if its not in my body... like I'm just a shell...I haven't felt this way since the monthish following my dads death...I don't know why I feel this way right now though. It feels weird...all I want to do is sleep. And I can't get enough of it...I'm just even more tired after I wake up so I go back to sleep and repeat the cycle...then have a break once in a while that lasts about 2 or 3 hours...then I go back into my sleep trance..speaking of which...I'm going to go to sleep when I'm done typing this...
Good distraction/Boredom eliminator
This place This is my account on it. You should make an account on it and be my friend. I know its for little tweens but it helps when I'm trying not to binge/ when I can't sleep.
soooo...that's it for now I guess...
Goodnight my stalkers

purple monkey

Urban dictionary definition of my name- "A gorgeous girl that is just herself all the time. Doesn't try to impress anyone, and hates when people try to impress her. Not a snob & not a jealous person. Ever. Mess with her, you'll have other people to deal with. She's the type of person people can trust and be very close to." I quite like it =P
So that I mention my title, I have a purple monkey that hangs on my bed head board.. the adult skank from a previous post gave it to me about a year and a half ago...I love the monkey. Its so awesome. And purple is my FAVORITE color in the world...but its from HER. And I quite dislike her....which kind of makes me just want to rip it to shreds...but I REEEAAALLLLYYY like that monkey...so its just all grrr and my head is fighting itself about the stupid monkey =/
I need to clean my room... I'm really surprised its this messy to be honest. Its usually spotless when I'm having control issues like I am right now. Strange.
I'm so tired today. I fell asleep at 3 a.m. this morning but I slept in until around 12:30ish? so I actually got enough sleep. But I'm so tired I'm going to nap when I'm done going on about random stuff.
When I move to my new house should I paint one bedroom wall with chalkboard paint and the rest white so I can paint random stuff on them or should I just paint them all white? I can't decide. I think chalk boards are insane awesome! buutttt I have major allergies so yeah... =/
But eeeekkk! =))) I can't wait to move. I'm going to live right around the corner from my school so i don't have to waste gas driving to the town I go to school at. (right now i live about 10 miles away from there) and my best friends from there will be closer. I rarely even talk to my friends here anymore...R is too obsessed with her boyfriend and M is busy with school band or his garage band.
Ok. I'm done rambling on and on. I'm too exhausted to type more. adios peeoplesss

My tummy feels yucky. Its all gurglely =( It feels all awkward. I'm glad I'm the only one awake and in my bedroom... thinking about making my blog look all cool and awesome. I'm not exactly sure how to though...sooooo if you would like to help me make this look less boring and if anyone is even reading this which is a little doubtful.... please comment on how to. I really like how some people have more than one page on their blog like at the top usually. I tried doing that once but i couldn't figure it out at all. I know how to change the background but I can never get an uploaded pic to work. Is there something special you have to do or something?
well that's it for now. please comment if you read this. =)

Nom nom nom nom

It should be called "Grand Theft Human" instead of kidnapping. Old people get kidnapped sometimes but they are definitely not kids. Just saying. And abduction doesn't work either because that's for aliens. Grand theft Human works perfectly for all situations of human stealing. *sigh* Yup this is what happens when I can't sleep at 1 in the morning. I start thinking about all kinds of weird random stuff like that and as a result I can't sleep even more because I'm so into thought over whatever it is that I'm thinking about. Do you like my new title by the way? I really hope it isn't something in another language...that would realllyyyyy suck if i was cussing some poor Norwegian out or something. My apologies if I am though.
In other news I have discovered an awesome song by superchick. I love that band. Its so awesome. Well here's the song- Hold Click that word to listen. :)
So I am now starting to feel sleepy. Nighty night random people reading this

yuck. i feel so nasty. i ate so much today. ive had: peanut butter on a spoon with some honey. like 6 chips ahoy cookies. a graham cracker with nutella. random spoons of icecream. a piece of apple pie. a hard boiled egg. a bowl of air popped pop corn-it didn't have any butter or salt on it so i guess that made it better though...- geeze ive eaten such unhealthy garbage today. not eating tomorrow. i hate this yucky feeling. empty makes me feel so...good? idk. that isn't a good word for what i mean. the feeling is wonderful though. all perfect and light and airy. i think im going to try not leaving my room at all for the rest of the weak...then i wont have any temptation to eat and feel bleh. so glad i have a bathroom atached to my room so i can drink water and go to the bathroom, shower, etc.
over last weekend when i didn't eat much i lost like 5 pounds almost. i probably gained it all back from eating yesterday and today though ='(
so glad im out of school for the summer. i don't have to be exhausted by stupid pointless homework for 3 months woohoooo! =)
audiossss

IM STILL ALIVE! =P

poor dude. i bet a lot of people that sold all their junk hate him now. =P
Funnies song in the world!!! =) watch it. its hilarious!

hahahaha i thought this was quite amusing =P
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/11/21-reasons-may-21-not-end-of-world_n_860747.html#s277596&title=1_The_Mayans

so the word is going to end twice! :O OH MY GOSHNESS! who will win the mayans that got bored of making their calender or whats his face that already predicted it wrong? =P
the bible says no one will know when judgement day arrives sooooo it is impossible that it would happen today because God says we won't know and he can't defy his word and come one a day if people know it! =P
but on another note, if God does come today farewell my beautiful readers! i love you dearly! =P

EUGHHHH I hurt freaking all over! im laying down with my laptop on my stomach and not even looking at the screan because it hurts so bad to sit up! i want to go to sleep. but im not tired so it will be hard for me to. sad face here. im not sure where the equal sign and parenthases are without looking so i just did that...
im dying my hair blonde once i find out when the last day of school is. after that im going to use dy8ing my hair to get rid of the rots as a reward for losing weight. for every five pounds i lose im allowed to dye it. if i don't lose the weight...then yucky roots that will look weird. any sugestions for losing ten pounds reward? im not a fan of makeup or super girly things so it cant be anything like that...
speaking of, i think im going to fast this weekend. i feel like i could do it. the thought of food just disgusts me right now...i have no craving for it at all. How do i keep from feeling really hungry and binging on monday? Maybe by then ill hit that stage of fasting where you just have no apitite...I odn't gunderstand whats causing me to want to fast right now...im not sad or mad or anything. i actually am kind of happy..slanty face here.
I cant wait for this sumer! a whole month in a nother state for art school YAY!
well im getting a little sleepy now. im going to try to sleep.... goodnight peeps

ROARRRR! =)

i always forget about this blog lately =P soooo, about my last post, the extremely scandalous one =P, im not going to have ANYTHING to do with the 2 main people involved anymore. my brother told me that i needed to either tell an adult what was going on or cut of connections with them. i couldn't tell on them...i would feel horrible if she went to jail...so yeppp no more talky to the nastys. =/ i feel like i can't even hang out with the adult main persons daughter anymore because im afraid to run into her mom at her house. eugh. well im going to go try to go running now. wish me luck =P

I haven't posted a blog in foreverrrrr! so here is the wonderful drama of my teenage life =P
My best friend, R, broke up (kind of but not really because they weren't really going out but acted like it. so...friends with benifits almost but not really) with her non boy friend, M, who is also a friend of mine. He became all depressed and i had to counsel him quite frequently. Oh yeah and R moved back home. which kind of sucks because her family is quite screwed up and so ive had to help them also. Her mom had a relationship going on with my old best friend, C, who i stopped being friends with after he cheated on me last summer and i broke up with him. Her dad is being all abusive to her mom because of that and her mom wants to devorce him but wont. idk why though. today her mom texted me all upset because of C. apparently he went and screwed a 14 year old that he used to go out with about a year and a half ago ( me, R, and C are 15. M is 17, R's parent's are 35ish) i hope he got an STD from the 14 year old...she's a bit of a slut and probably has a bunch of nastys =P but im still super mad at R's mom because she should have known better than to date a 15 year old. thats just gross! this relationship between them has been going on since september -barf- oh and along with going and sleeping with miss STD he made out with a different little slut at a track meet. and i think R's mom might actually go back to him. She's so stupid! i just want to smack her over the head! thats freaking illegal! GRRRRR and now back to M. he's still frequently upset over R even though R now has a new boyfriend, T.... But i think M has been getting better lately... he hasn't cut quite as much. except last week. that was pretty deep. but i don't think it was because of R. i think it was because his family. and on to more normal teenage drama that most teenagers typically deal with. My friend from the school i go to, K, is going back out with her boyfriend who were all pretty sure cheated on her around the same time C cheated on me...hmmmm i think thats about it for stupid drama for now...i really hate it...i wish things would be normal. whatever normal even is...oh i almost forgot to put this: what in the world happened to abstinence!?!?!?!?! does no one wait anymore!?!?!?! out of my closest friends only 2 of the 5 used to be 6 are still virgins. its so sad. and all of us aren't even adults yet. having sex is supposed to be special for that person you marry and want to spend the rest of your life with...This world is so screwed up now =/
ok. ranting over with =P

i haven't been on here in like a month! :O
yesterday during school i wrote things like-you are beautiful, smart, perfect the way you are, you don't need make up, etc. on sticky notes and put them all over the mirrors and stalls in the girls bathroom at my school. One of my friends texted me and told me about someone doing that. She said she liked them and they made her feel good about herself. and other people said the same thing. It made me feel so good inside that i made other people feel good. =) Next i plan on getting a list of all the girls lockers and putting a nice personal message on a sticky note then putting them on lockers. my school is really small so it wont be too hard. theres only like 40ish students in the entire highschool. it makes me feel so good to do this. even if no one knows im the one doing it. =)
i went to the dentist recently. there was only one thing wrong-one of my fillings needed to be fixed. and they fixed it then so i didn't even have to get a shot =)) yay!
I planted oriental stargazer lilium bulbs yesterday in an awesome pot that looks like a giant coffee cup! soon i will have prettyful flowers in my room =) i love flowers =)
I'm going to get piano lessons soon!!! im so excited!
My life has been pretty good lately i hope it stays this way =)
talk to you later readers!

:)

This morning two people texted me saying good morning.. i didn't text either of them first. That hasn't happend in a long time. You have no idea how good it made me feel inside. this is the best ive felt since atelast november. :) it gives me hope in life. :))

What happened????

Me and this guy, who i shall call "C" on here, became friends two years ago on feb. 4...we weren't friends then but i called him the day my dad killed himself because i was so upset and he was the only person i knew of that knew what it was like to lose a parent...He kept me from fallowing my dad that night and also for about 4 months fallowing my dads death. we became best friends then we started going out the following november then i broke up with him the next month because i was having a lot of personal issues. last march we started going out again. i was finally truely happy with life since my dad's death. then in july he came back from camp and i found out he got a second girlfriend while he was there so i had to break up with him. our friendship died then...honestly it doesn't matter that we broke up. that's what happens when youre a teenager. but i couldn't stand that i no longer had my best friend. i got more and more depressed. from that but mostly other stuff adding on to that. he hates me now and i have no idea why. its not like i cheated on him...
ive needed someone that i really know outside of a computer to talk to so bad right now...every time i try to talk to someone they cant right then then never text back or they just don't answer period. i tried talking to him out of pure desperation on sunday. i wouldn't tell him who it was he was talking to but i know he knew it was me and he acted like he cared a little then the next day he got all irritated at me and said he was going to block my number...why would he do that? on sunday i practicably told him i had been thinking about killing myself...i told him i needed someone to talk to and i was desperate and that my brother was the only thing stopping me...and thats not going to be enough for me eventually....i have no one left that truly loves and cares about me except for my brother and sister and they both live far away. my brother about 4 hours and my sister about 1 and a half...
Why doesn't he care anymore...what happened to my best friend that was always there for me and promised he would be here for me always?

='(

im really starting to feel like people in my life would rather me just not be around at all...and to be honest i don't want me to be here either...i freaking hate promises! why does a promise to someone that i dislike who also really hates me though i don't know why even matter to me? ugh =(

i have discovered that i quite love avril lavignes music. She has a cool voice. :)
I got a new phone yesterday...on thursday night my blackberry fell in a cup with about an inch of water and completely died... :( i love how mine dies from that little of water but other peoples phones can fall in toilets and still live =/ any way i can't figure out how to work this  phone, i keep going to the wrong things =P it looks like this (see image below)

 

(boost mobile incognito)

its pretty cool...has a touch screen front thing thats for calling people. and when you want the touch screen locked its like a mirror. it doesn't let me save ringtones, at least i don't think i can. either that or i just havent figured out how to. but oh well i usually have my phone on vibrate anyway. EVERY time i try to type something with an N in it, i end up hitting M instead. 

the only thing i really hate about it is the internet. i can't exit out and do something else while a page is loading, it will exit out of the internet completely, and it won't let me log into my blog =( maybe it was just being a meany head yesterday and testing its boundries with me =P i shall try again today =)

any suggestions on what his/her name should be?

Today im going to hang out at antique stores with my mom. i love looking at the old things. alot of antique stuff is so pretty if it doesn't have dust on it : )

I feel like im falling away from God...i refuse to listen to any christian music..ive been listening to kind of bad stuff. well not bad. but bad compared to what i usually listen to. and I haven't been to church in like 3 weeks...i can't go. i don't know why but i can't.
I need to clean my room...its driving me insane...my friend was in here last night hanging out with me...every time she comes in here my room is out of place. she always tears paper or something up and leaves the scraps all over my floor and she pics stuff up off my desk and doesn't put it back where its supposed to be, and she leaves all her stuff in here. this week ive brought her back pack and mp3 player to her room like 6 times! -.- it drives me crazy!!!
I think ill power clean today. im in a super cleaning mood. everything feels dirty right now...
well im going to go take a shower now,
audios blog readers =)

random stuff

sooooooo right now i reeeeeaaaalllllllllllyyyy have to pee. i felt this great need to tell you this information =P i don't feel like getting up and walking ten steps to my bathroom though...im so lazy..i need to read about a hundred pages of boring book for my speech class tomorrow. =((( im really starting to wish i hadn't taken that and had just stayed in p.e. at least then i would be exercising.. im going to read it tonight..i don't think ill be able to sleep anyway with tomorrow being the bad day...i feel sorry for people i go to school with...im going to be very...sensitive to a lot tomorrow so they have a much higher chance than usual that i will explode at them... poor peoples...i hope school gets delayed tomorrow...i really don't want to take that test in my collage class...my arm feels all hurt...i feel like pulling an all nighter. i probably would be already anyway...but this way ill actually stick to staying awake so i have a better chance of finishing my homework =)
woooowww i jump around topics baddddd. =P
thats all for now =)

so so kinda day

I shall start off with the good things about today :)
-didnt have to go to school until 10 because of icy roads
-didnt have to take a test in my collage class because I have it first period of the day, so now I take it on fri
-figured out how to merge layers on photoshop
-put a dogs head on my brother and a cat on his ex in as pic =P
-finished typing everything for a poetry project
-didnt eat a ton at lunch because they didn't give us much and it what they did give us was quite gross
-got to play in snow

Bad stuff/things that made my dad not perfect:
-didnt have conditioner so my hair was staticy all day
-ate a horrible breakfast, instant maple and brown sugar oatmeal
-caf. Was FREEZING during lunch
-got some apple sauce out of the lunch line, I love apple sauce and its fairly healthy, I found a finger nail clipping in mine =/ bleeeeccccckkkkk
-ate froz yogurt when I got home. A ton of sugar and calories :(

I think that's about it for the good and bad things.
Random stuff:
There's this site, girlsense.com I love that site. Its for little kids but its a good time consumer. You design fashions and make your own little boutique thing. I'm quite good at it =P
The bruise on my arm hurts...I hit it last night. Not hard, but it still made it hurt more and it swelled up strangely..
I feel yuck and fat. Which is weird because I know I'm not fat. But I feel like I'm pudgy everywhere...strange
I feel so sleepy right now but I don't feel like sleeping. I think I shall go on girlsense and make stuff =P
Audios/goodnight blog readers =)

My Goals

*Become completely vegan~February 20th
*Learn to sew good~February 26th
*Design an awesome outfit~March 1st
*Get really good at photo-shopping pictures~March 2nd
*Easily do a back walk over~March 19th
*Get down to 110 lbs~April 11
*Make that awesome outfit-sewn only-~May 1st
*Do splits with my right leg forward~May 7th
*Run a mile with out stopping~ May 14th*Dress more like a girl. -nice shirts, skirts, etc-~1st day of summer break

I MUST accomplish these goals!!!!!!!!! =)
i might add more later

Dear Dad,
Why did you do this to me?!? Did you not even give a care if I and others were affected by you killing yourself?!?! You messed up my life that day so close to two years ago! You screwed up my emotions! I am depressed so often! I have the wrong emotion for whatever is happening when I'm not depressed because I'm so not used to emotions besides super sad! Being depressed constantly and needing control over my life that you ruined screwed up my eating habits! You pulling that trigger caused a downward spiral for me that I can't get out of! But you don't care at all! You've never truly cared about me! I was always your least favorite kid! Is that why it was so okay for you to kill yourself 5 minutes after I saw you in the state of mind you were in?!?!?!?
Why couldn't you have just loved me for once...I loved you...I always did...that's why I told you I did, and why I begged you not to hurt yourself...
You left me...I was barely a teenager...I needed my dad in my life...I still do...I need my dad that will chase away any guy that likes me, except for that one guy that would be perfect. I need my dad that will hold me when I'm upset or scared. I need my dad that will escort me for things...Its not my brothers job to do that! Its yours!
I wish you could see me right now...struggling to get through days. Sleeping as much as I can so I don't have to be awake. Crying my eyes out. Texting my brother because I'm so upset and I need a reminder of why I can't die.
Why are you doing this to me....
='((

you look happy today! =) -.-

Stupid teacher! you must not know me at all! im not the least bit happy today! the only reason i haven't swallowed 50 pills is because i promised C i would never kill myself! i don't even see why i bother with keeping promises to him anymore...its not like we're even the tiniest bit of friends anymore... ='( and he wouldn't care anyway...he'd probably even be happy if i were gone...
the bruise on my arm hurts freaking bad...is it normal to get red speckles on your skin where bruises are forming? i don't even think its because i was getting a bruise...my hand had the weird speckles on it too where i was hitting my arm with and it doesn't have a bruise... strange...
My mom is the stupidest person in the world. Every day with out a fail, even when im actually super happy and am smiling and all cheerful, she asks "whats wrong" or "whats the matter" or "are you mad at me", except for today...and today has been one of my most bleh days in a really long time...it makes me feel like she doesn't truly care about me at all...like the times she asks all that are just for show so i can't say she never asks me how i am..as if she cares about me until i really need her...
i feel like everyone is too busy for me lately...the only people i text anymore are the ones that i text first, which is kinda rare, and even then the conversation hardly goes anywhere...
im sick of putting my stupid act to everyone...most think im so happy and positive right now...they dont know me at all...and those are the people that im closest to....
i can't handle God right now...i feel horrible for saying that but its true...i was going to go to church last night, but i just couldn't handle it...i feel like God hates me so i can't face things that have to do with him (church, bibles, etc) like an immature little 10 year old that's mad at her friend...its so stupid...i don't even know why i can't face things...
my chemistry teacher is a freaking idiot! he "teaches" us stuff that we are never going to use in life. doesn't really teach us though. he sucks as a teacher. always gives us the answers. doesn't really care to a point if no one is paying the least bit attention to him... only cares if people start getting loud then he screams at us...
i want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever..i shall do that now.. minus the forever part. i have school tomorrow....
~complain session over~ goodnight blog readers